Terrible Teens?

Teenagers are unpredictable, temperamental, impulsive, sexually confused, insecure, defiant, and exceedingly needy beings who require more patience than their two-year-old counterparts. Compile all these words into one and I would say, teenagers are tricky.

Being that I am on my third teenager, this stage should be easy. I should have all the answers; I should have this down pat, able to maneuver around the land mines that come with raising teenagers. But here's the first thing I have learned: no two children are alike and no two children can be raised exactly the same way. 

My first two children were relatively easy teenagers. My oldest, a boy, was the easiest which was such a treat since he was the most difficult between the ages of about 5 to 13 (and also when he had colic as a newborn). I shudder at the memory of the tantrums and meltdowns he seemed to have on a daily basis due in part to his ADHD. There were times when I wondered if I would lose my sanity and there was always that fear that I would do something to hurt him in the process of trying to control his raging outbursts. But, I survived and so did he, both of us growing through the process and gaining a better understanding of his needs. My second child, a daughter, was, and still is, a people pleaser. Although she was hypersensitive as a baby, never allowing me to put her down, and had her share of meltdowns, she tended to listen and follow rules making it easy to impart my husband's and my wisdom and expectations without resistance. As a teenager, her struggles were more with friends and school than with her parents. So, when the third child became a teenager, my husband and I were ill-prepared for what we would encounter and endure (and we are not done yet).

My third child was an amazingly easy baby. She rarely cried except if she was hungry or her diaper needed changing. My husband would often comment that if he didn't know better, he wouldn't know there was a baby in the house. I would tote my little bundle everywhere, even to school when I would volunteer, and she would sit happily in the stroller and almost never make a peep. I was so thrilled to have finally gotten my easy baby. But through the years, she became more difficult. Like my son, I considered her a strong-willed child who pushed the boundaries we had placed around her. But nothing could have prepared us for the teenage years.

When my third child was in fourth grade, she complained of being bullied by another girl. The school didn't seem to do anything about it, even after a number of other parents complained that their children were also being bullied by the same girl. I made a decision to take her out of that school and have her start a new school at the beginning of fifth grade. Little did I know that there was another bully, a boy, at this new school who quickly latched on to my daughter. At first, my daughter didn't say anything about it but by sixth grade, it was taking a toll on her. Eventually, this boy bully and some of his friends messaged her on Instagram (she didn't have a phone and I had no idea they could message on Instagram through their iPods). The boys encouraged her to kill herself, backing her into a "virtual" corner. Of course, there are two ways you can endure being abused: you can take it until you're trampled to death, or you can fight back which is exactly what my daughter did. The fighting back only bit her in the ass and got her and the boys in trouble (which in retrospect I wish I would have fought). This bullying along with sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted friend changed my charismatic, sweet, funny, and talented daughter into a shell of a girl who, as a teen, struggles to get through every day without giving up. Because she was unable to control what happened to her in middle school, she is resistant to rules, authority figures, boundaries to keep her safe, and anything that takes the control away from her. My husband and I were not prepared to deal with such adverse behavior creating even more friction and mayhem at home. It lead to my daughter being hospitalized four times, attending partial hospitalization and out-patient programs, getting treatment from therapists and psychiatrists, doing neurofeedback therapy, and spending 37 days in a residential facility all in the hopes of getting her stabilized. When none of our attempts to help her worked, my husband and I needed to re-evaluate how we were going to raise her.

As I've indicated, and as some of you already know, raising teens is difficult. But when you have a teen who has suffered severe trauma and struggles with incapacitating depression, there are so many added layers to pierce, to rip through to get to the person it's protecting. Each layer has been built, from pain, like a thick scar after an injury. And like a physical injury, it never heals back to its original, unblemished skin. The scar not only protects but also reminds the recipient of how it got there, allowing the recipient to relive the pain and trauma over and over again. Even the best plastic surgeons can never make a scar completely disappear and so the recipient must live with the reminder for the rest of his or her life. The brain is no different from the physical scar on one's skin and yet, for those who don't live within the head of the hurt, they often expect that the trauma will eventually vanish and the brain will be back to its former self. But we know that is not true, unfortunately. Those who suffer a trauma live with that for the rest of their lives so it's not a matter of erasing it, it's a matter of living with it. My husband and I learned this the hard way.

We have learned and continue to learn many things about raising a teen who suffers from depression and past trauma(s). I thought I would share them with you in the hopes of helping other parents who are going through the same thing so here they are.

1. Throw all the previous rules out the window. What worked for your other children won't usually work for this one. Yes, you must have boundaries, but you also must be flexible to move those boundaries if necessary. 

2. Trust will be hard to build. It will be broken over and over again, but never give up. 

3. Don't be shocked or exasperated or reactive to their poor decisions. They will make more mistakes than the average teen. You must learn to let things roll off of you or you will make the problem worse than it was to begin with. 

4. If you invade their privacy, don't let them know by taking action for what you have found. You will lose their trust which is incredibly important and they will only do more of what you have just forbidden them to do. If you find something concerning, try to figure out why they would be doing this and see if you can redirect the behavior through open communication and understanding. 

5. Don't expect them to be excited about something just because you are, and don't be disappointed that they aren't excited. Showing them that you are disappointed that they are not feeling the way you are, only shows them how depressed they are. But when they are excited about something, make a note of it and enjoy the moment. 

6. Don't give them advice if they don't ask for it. If they come to you about a problem (consider yourself lucky, first of all), repeat back what they told you and empathize with them. Often, they don't want your help, they just want you to understand how they are feeling and why. 

7. Take care of yourself and your marriage. Having a troubled teen can put a big strain on you and your relationships. Get therapy to help put things in perspective. I recommend both individual and couples therapy to nurture both you and your relationship. Often, parents aren't on the same page when it comes to how to handle their teen so having a neutral party to help sort through both of your concerns is greatly beneficial. As parents, being on the same page, together or divorced, will create a more supportive and stable environment for your child.

8. Expect the unexpected at all times. Don't let your guard down when things are going well because they rarely stay that way for too long. I always refer to it as the "shoe drop" which happens when we least expect it. If you are always ready for that "shoe drop" you won't be as disappointed or underprepared.

9. Celebrate the good times! There will be some good times between the tough stuff that cannot be ignored. Take your child in a warm embrace and relish this victory when they have found the sun shining through a dark cloud. 

10. Don't let your friends make you feel like a failed parent. It will seem like your friends have the perfect children when compared to your own. It's only natural to compare, but when you have a child who suffers from depression or other mental health issues, you can't compare nor should you. Focus on your's and your child's journey through this unpredictable maze. Your child will grow and mature and work their way out of the maze, but until then their journey might be more complicated with more turns and dead ends. Just know that they will get to the end and when they do, you and your child will be stronger and more resilient than many who were given a straight line to the end of the maze. We all learn from our experiences. Those who encounter more of the tough stuff tend to get along better in life than those who don't.

I hope this helps those who need it. You're not alone, believe me. Depression in teens is on the rise. According to mhanational.com, almost 20 percent of teens ages 12-17 suffer from depression. In addition, 60 percent of those teens don't receive any mental health treatment. 20 percent might not seem like a large amount but if you were buying something and you got 20 percent off, you would think that was a great deal. 20 percent means we're close to a quarter of teens, 1 in 4. Again, you and your teen are not alone. Don't be the 60 percent who don't get help, don't make the mistakes that I had to make to learn the above lessons. Be proactive and make the appropriate choice that will help both you and your teen. They are not terrible teens--just teens who need a little extra help along their journey to adulthood. 

In the Aftermath of the Election

Unless you live under a rock you know what happened Tuesday. Yes, I know; if you read one more Facebook rant, meme, or blog post about politics your head is going to explode. Here me out. If you are living under a rock do you have a vacancy? I'm moving in, because I for one would like to move on.

I am not here to tell you who you should have voted for, who I voted for, or where president elect Donald Trump falls on the spectrum between anti-christ and savior. Here's the thing, the election is OVER. The results are in. We have the right to vote in this country and even if the choice is between an egotistical, obnoxious reality TV star and a lying criminal (as some may believe) we still had the chance to cast our votes. Do you know why we vote in this country? I mean other than the fact that people have fought for our liberty to do so. We vote because we don't all agree. Someone has to decide and in a democracy that someone has to be the majority. It's the only "fair" way.

The electoral college makes little sense to me and I am not a fan of the two party system, but here we are. The votes have been cast. After any election some disappointment is expected. To say this election has been particularly polarizing is the understatement of the decade. Feeling are hurt, tempers are flaring, and people are lashing out blindly.

Here's what I tell my kids. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. You can't always decide how you feel but you can always decide what you say and do. It's okay to be disappointed, angry, enraged, even. It's NOT okay to hurt people to diffuse your anger. It's not okay to hit your brother because he's annoying you. It's also not okay to burn the American flag, break car windows, destroy property, put people in danger, or assault anyone either with words or actions. It is okay to dislike the president. It is even okay to hate the president. It is absolutely not okay to threaten to assassinate the president (or anyone, for that matter).

The riots have been heart breaking to me. I told you I wasn't going to mention who I voted for, but in the interest of full disclosure, I will. I didn't vote for Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton. I voted for the third party candidate Gary Johnson. I couldn't get behind either Trump or Clinton from a personal or moral stand point. I am only adding this fact because while I may not have the same visceral reaction as a Clinton supporter, I also can't share the relief of Trump supporters. Regardless, Trump is our next president and violent protests change nothing. Yes, damaging property and hurling threats is violence. The behavior I've been seeing is absolutely disgusting, and it began before the rioting.

When I opened my Facebook feed the morning after the election I quickly wished I hadn't. Did I expect everyone to be linking arms and singing Give Peace a Chance? of course not. I'm not naive. I expected opinions and feelings and memes. What I saw was a train wreck and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't look away.

Over night my Facebook feed had turned into a seventh grade classroom during recess when the lunch mom is stuck in the bathroom with the runs. People against Trump have expressed concerns about his ugly speech, his insults, and his prejudice. I understand these concerns. What I don't understand is how many of these concerned citizens can turn around and do exactly what they criticized Trump for doing. Name calling. That's not democracy, it's hypocrisy. Remember that book, Everything I Needed To Know I learned In Kindergarten? If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all.

I saw posts saying that the election results "prove the uneducated win out over the educated". I saw friends who voted for Trump called racist, homophobic, stupid, and small minded. I saw people accusing each other of not caring about human rights, and of being privileged and naive. Jan was the recipient of some of this mud slinging. I am sharing her experience with her permission. Her post expressed disappointment over the name calling and juvenile behavior. She asked that we all please be kind with our words and respect each others' opinion. I'm paraphrasing here. She stated it much more eloquently that that The point is, while she did receive some agreement, some so called friends downright attacked her. One even unfriended her. This is the behavior of adults. This is the example we are setting for our children. If someone has a different opinion than you, call them names, beat them down, dismiss THEIR concerns. Don't respect their view or agree to disagree; accuse them of  hating entire groups of people.

Don't get me wrong, I think that Trump making fun of people with disabilities, using fear as a tool, and making derogatory comments about ANYONE is abhorrent and also sets a terrible example. I have talked to my children about this. My three year old doesn't care as long as no one touches his hot wheels cars, Oh, to be three again. My seven year old has been affected. A kid who is "different", he has in his short life been on the receiving end of hurtful words. He worried that Trump was a bully and Clinton was "going to be thrown in prison". We had the election coverage on a lot in our house, but even if we didn't it would be impossible to shelter him from it. Instead, we used it as a learning opportunity. In general, it was a great time to teach him about the branches of government, American history, the power of the president and the checks and balances in congress, and the difference between a democracy and  a dictatorship. It also opened up dialogue that people don't always use their power for good as God wants us to do, and sometimes the very people who should act as role models and protectors stoop to name calling, fear mongering, and lying to get ahead. These are issues he will face both in his personal life and on a broader scale. We all do. When I was bullied in school my mom used to tell me that we can't control what other people say and do, we can only control what we say and do in response. These are wise words.

Obviously my son is not on social media yet, but I did talk to him about how people had strong feelings about the election results, and some of these people were taking their anger out on others in the form of insults. Yes, even adults behave badly. Calling someone a racist or a bigot is a serious accusation. Please don't assume someone's reasons for voting. Chance are no one agrees one hundred percent with a candidate. Some Trump voters probably are racist or homophobic, but saying they all are is not better or worse than marginalizing any group of people. Some voted pro life. Many on both sides were concerned with the safety and security of our country. Now we have to worry as much about tearing our own country apart as we do about terrorism. I'm not be dramatic. This is a very real concern. It's time to move on and come together. This doesn't mean we all have to agree. It doesn't even mean we all have to be friends and get along. It comes down to respect and tolerance. Let's set that example for our children, for our leaders, for the future of this one nation under God.

We can't change the results of the election. We can't change what has been said and done. We can be mindful of our own words and actions. I saw one response to the election claiming, "Last night, hate won." I say hate only wins when we let it.  I will end with a notorious quote from Mahatma Ghandi: "You must be the change you want to see in the world.

Proverbs 15:1

Verse Concepts

A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 10:21

Verse Concepts

The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of understanding.

When You're Called Into the Principal's Office...

My kids have never had a detention. (Okay, wait, I take that back. My son was given a detention for not wearing a belt to school - harmless). I have never been pulled into a meeting to be told anything but positive affirmations about my kids; it's one of the things I pride myself on - my kids are good kids. They may struggle with grades from time to time, and they may have a disagreement with a friend or their parents (totally normal), but they have never been zeroed out for doing anything horribly wrong, until today.

Yesterday, a letter was sent home to the parents of my daughter's middle school about a bullying incident the school was investigating. My middle school child read the letter to me in the car on our way home from ice skating and even had a conversation about what it might be about, who might be involved. We discussed how unacceptable it is to say hurtful things, and she was in complete agreement. Today, I received an email from the school asking my husband and me to come in for a meeting. I knew my daughter was getting bullied by some boys at school, but she told me the boys wrote apology notes, and I assumed (stupid me) that all was better.

Let's back up a little here. My daughter has an Instagram, Snapchat and email account. She just got a phone for Christmas, but she has to pay for the minutes she uses, so it's not a device she uses often. She does, however, have an iPad (supplied by the school), an iTouch and a hand-me-down computer from her brother. I have been quite resistant to her having a phone with complete access to the world without my supervision. I thought I had my bases covered and her protected, but I was so, incredibly, stupidly, and regrettably wrong.

It started with her telling a boy in school that she liked him. This one confession spurred an avalanche she never saw coming. The confession was shared with the other boys, and soon, hateful words were thrown at her. Trying to understand the negative reaction, she asked the boy, on Instagram chat, and more hate and an encouragement to kill herself was thrown at her. I won't disclose what was said, but it escalated, causing my daughter to eventually lash out, making a threat that has now caught the attention of her school. You have to know my daughter to understand why she would say the things she did. She's a kind, loving person who desires to be accepted and is hurt when she's not. She also doesn't understand that kids, at her age, cannot keep secrets nor can they be mature when handling uncomfortable things - especially boys. She's still naive in thinking she can trust everyone. When someone, or worse, multiple people back someone into a dark corner of hateful words, there comes a time when the victim will either allow them to continue hurting or, in her case, lash out to save herself. I don't condone her behavior, but I am trying to understand it as her mother and as someone who hurts so deeply that she was pushed to fight back with such heightened emotion.

My daughter has been bullied multiple times by some seemingly ruthless children at two separate schools. She knows what it's like to be hurt day after day. At her old school, she was bullied for three years by the same girl. Parents even got involved and spoke to the administration yet nothing was ever done. It was just recently that the bully finally got expelled for making threats. It's unfortunate, but I think at some point, those who are bullied get tired of being beaten down, and that's when they either retaliate or contemplate a much more severe outcome for themselves.

With so much education on bullying out there, it's shocking that it still exists so heavily. The consequences of today are much more severe than in the past as a hopeful deterrent of the behavior, yet kids still push each other's buttons with the idea that they will obtain power over the victim. If you google Bullying, there seems to be an infinite amount of information at our fingertips. How to spot it, how to avoid it, how to handle it. Kids are bombarded with antibullying campaigns on a continual basis, perhaps so much so that they are now desensitized to the message. So what do we do to make it soak in? Huh, that is the fifty-million-dollar question, isn't it? It's almost as daunting as finding that miracle drug to cure all cancer. While we don't have the cure, we do have treatments and the earlier it's treated, the better chance to wipe it out.

As parents, we have a responsibility to guide our children through the best and worst times of their adolescence. We don't get to pick and choose what we want to face - we must face it all. At first, when I was confronted with what my daughter had done, I was mortified, sick and deeply sad. My thoughts ran rampant, wondering what went wrong, how could I have prevented it? What does this mean? But then, I took a step back and analyzed everything - the cause and effect from both sides as well as checking my emotions at the door. Once I got a handle on myself, I realized these things:

1. This isn't about me.
2. I can't change what has already happened.
3. I have an opportunity to turn this into a teaching tool.
4. I was lucky to find out about this early - no major damage was done.
5. I will now be more vigilant about my children's use of electronics as well as with their interactions with others.
6. I will do what my girlfriend calls a "heart check" to see how my child is feeling on a regular basis.
7. I will not brush over what appears to be general tween/teen issues or problems. Instead, I will ask questions and wade through the muck of over-exaggerations and secretive language to get to the bottom of an issue.
8. I will commit to continually educating myself about the dangers and pitfalls children can become victims to.
9. How I react will make the difference between a positive or negative outcome.
10. No matter what, I will have my child's back and always have their best interests at heart.

Education starts at home and that is where we need to tackle this issue. Don't think that if your child is attending a private school, he or she will be protected - it happens everywhere. It happens at the playground, in your neighborhood, at church and pretty much anywhere people gather either physically or in the cyber world. Talk to your children and find situations that open the dialogue about tough topics when they feel safe. We are our children's best defense. I know we often tell our children to not let hurtful words affect them, but it's not a realistic solution. The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a ridiculous notion because, in actuality, words can hurt worse than a physical blow. Words hurt no matter how hard we try to deflect them. Instead, validate their feelings and help your child work through them.

I'm going to leave you with one more bit of advice: Don't be afraid to monitor your children. It's not a sign that you don't trust them, but rather, that you love them.