Do You Suffer From FEELHAPERG?

On Friday, my husband, daughters and I moved my son into his college dorm. On Sunday, we said our goodbyes and walked away. I have been preparing for this day since the moment he was born, or at least I thought I was. But, no matter how much you prepare yourself for that day when you say your last goodbye and part ways, it will be emotional beyond what you ever imagined possible.

Sadness is not what I feel, although my tears may have indicated as such. I am not sad that he is leaving the nest and going on without me. Just like a momma bird, pushing her fledgling out of the nest and hoping it doesn't fall, I too, hope for that same result. My husband and I have nurtured him for eighteen years with as much love, attention and education as we were able to provide. We  have hopefully armed him with compassion, strong morals and values, a great sense of self-worth, a keen desire to absorb and devour an education not offered to all and, of course, survival skills when life becomes challenging. All of those things create the wings from which to fly.

But what is it that I feel? It's all so confusing and new. If I think of my emotions as colors, each one has an assigned color. Sadness would probably be blue, happy would be yellow, angry would be red, proud would be purple, and so on. Most often, I can associate with just one emotion or color, but now, I have so many emotions, that they all spilled and mixed and created a new color. It's a mix of pride, fear, happiness, envy, excitement, relief, eagerness, gratitude, amazement, and Love.

PRIDE: When a child completes certain milestones it's only natural to be proud of his/her accomplishments. I was so proud of my son when he crossed the stage and received his diploma. While we had some hiccups along his school journey, he persevered and made it. His struggles made the walk across the stage mean so much more than just getting a diploma, it meant he (we) survived the uphill marathon that ADD can create and we all came out fairly unscathed. Then came the college acceptance letters - schools that wanted our son to be a part of what they offered. He had a few choices but knew exactly where he needed to be. I am so proud of his hard work, for the young man he has become and for his choice of college. My heart swells with pride.

FEAR: Did I do enough? Teach him enough? Prepare him enough? Love him enough? Was there something I missed that could cause him to fail? Will he be safe? Will he make bad decisions? All these questions keep a sense of fear within me. Bad things can happen while away from my protective care, yes. And I can tell myself that he will be fine, but there will always be a feeling of fear because I am not there to protect him.

HAPPINESS: How can I not be happy for him?! He's going off to college! I am truly happy for him.

EXCITEMENT: I am also excited for him. A new chapter in his life has just begun. There are so many possibilities to explore, so many choices to make, so many new people to meet and forge friendships with. He's also moving to a completely different climate with actual weather that includes snow and rain!

ENVY: After strolling on his campus, I began to get a little envious of him. I loved college, and being on campus brought me back to those carefree days full of activities, people, camaraderie, and a sense of community and school spirit. Just being on campus put a little extra pep in my step with all its energy. I said more than once, how nice it would be to go back in time and experience some of my college days again.

RELIEF: Yes, I am relieved he's away at college. I don't think I could handle having him at home while taking college courses. I would feel as though I would need to micromanage him, and that would create a negative experience in our home and at school. He needs to take control of his education now. Other than paying for it, his education is completely in his hands and now I only have to micromanage two kids instead of three!

EAGERNESS: I am eager to see how he does away from home. I can only assume he will do great things. I can't wait to hear his excitement about people he has met, interesting classes he is taking and fun groups he joins. I am eager to see him shine and succeed and to grow into a self-sufficient, well rounded, educated man.

GRATITUDE: There is so much to be grateful for, and I owe it all to the Big Guy upstairs, God. I was given the gift to be my son's mother. God entrusted him to me and my husband to nurture, and while it has not always been easy, it has been a journey I would take over and over again. I am also grateful for the wonderful schools he attended, the teachers who inspired him, his caring and supportive friends, his extended family, and the opportunities he has had to see the world. I am also grateful for the fantastic university he is attending and them expressing their gratitude to us, the parents, for entrusting our son into their care.

AMAZEMENT: I am truly amazed at my son. When I held him in my arms after he was born, I couldn't even imagine what he would be like in eighteen years. It seemed so far away, with so many bridges to cross and milemarkers to pass. I wondered what he would look like and act like. I wondered if he would be super smart like his dad, or face challenges like his mom. I wondered if he would be into sports or music or technology, if he would be a leader or a follower. There was so much to wonder back then. But now, I know and am amazed at how amazing he truly is and how each step he took in his eighteen years has formed him into who he is today.

LOVE: I love him, plain and simple. No matter what choices he makes, good or bad, I will always love him with all of my heart.

So, with all of these emotions running through me, there is not a way to really say how I feel without going into great detail with each emotion. I decided to create my own emotion by creating a new word using the first letter of each emotion and arranging it to my liking. I first came up with flagherpee, but that sounded like what someone at a doctor's office would say when you are giving a urine sample. Nope, that would not work. Then I came up with feegraphel, refhapglee or feelhagper, but those didn't do it for me. Finally, I got it. FEELHAPERG! It's perfect! I feel happy and erg at the same time! I have created a new name for my emotions, so now, when someone asks me how I feel about my son being away at college I can say, "I'm feelhaperg about it."

If you need to share my new emotion, feel free. I am certain I'm not the only one experiencing feelhaperg. If you suffer from feelhaperg, please share in the comments!

The Confident College-Bound Kid And The Worried Parent

In just a day and a half, I will be getting on a plane with my son to drop him off at college some 1300 miles away, for a six-week summer program he must complete in order to attend the university in the fall. While I had every faith that I had prepared him for the world outside his comfortable bubble, some things have popped up making me think otherwise.

I have always prided myself on not being an overly suffocating parent. I have allowed my kids to dabble in danger in order to learn. For example, when they were little, I let them run on the concrete and get boo-boos so they would know to move it to the grass next time. I allowed them to experience a slight sunburn (because they rarely listen to me when I nag and nag about putting on sunscreen) so they would remember that it hurts when they don't apply sunscreen, and I have let them eat junk food all day knowing they would  pay the consequences later when their stomach began to turn on them. I would never allow them to be severely harmed, that would be child abuse. But I do allow just enough leeway for them to be warned from their own poor decisions. It's the way we learn best; trial and error. Just like the day I told my son (when he was around five or six), not to touch the cactus because, even though it looks like soft hairs, it will hurt you. Well, of course, he just had to touch it and, of course, he had about twenty tiny needles stuck in his fingers. Did he ever touch another cactus again? Nope! He learned!

There are other things I have tried to let my children learn the hard way, because, sometimes, no amount of explaining or nagging will change a child's behavior. Sometimes, kids have to experience failure in order to learn how the world works, like letting them fail a test because they thought it was more important to play video games than to study, or missing an important event because they didn't complete homework assignments. As much as I dislike watching my children struggle or fail, there really is no better teacher.

So, now I bring you back to my son, who is leaving for college. I have taught him how to cook basic meals and wash his laundry (although I have given up on him folding it!) along with a list of other life survival skills. Ha! I thought - he's going to be sooo ready when he moves away.

But then, while he was filling out his graduation thank you cards (his handwriting looks worse than a second graders - so for those who receive them, I'm sorry!), he asked me this: "Mom, do I need to put a postage stamp on the cards I mail inside California?" WHAT?! Did he really just ask me that question? How could it be, at 18, he doesn't know if he needs a postage stamp? And then, I wondered... what the hell else doesn't he know?

I did a little research. I googled the question: what your child should know before going to college, and there were multiple pages of advice. I was really more curious about life skills, but there were also practical tips that kids should follow while they are at school as well. I have taken down some of the important findings just in case you are floating in the same boat as me.

1. Know how to do laundry: wash, dry and iron.

2. Know how to make at least basic meals. Make sure they know how to turn on a stove/oven and that it's important to clean up after themselves - seriously, some kids just don't know this!

3. Know how to manage money. Have them create a spending budget and show them how to balance a checkbook or keep track of their debit card online. Have them refrain from getting a credit card until they fully understand how to manage their money.

4. If they are taking their car, know how to do general maintenance and what the warning lights mean. They should also know how to change a tire and who to contact in case of an accident or a breakdown.

5. Know how to use public transportation. Make sure they are aware of what is available at school.

6. Know how to keep their room tidy. No one wants a messy roommate and keeping items put away makes finding them easier.

7. Know how to address professors and how to be courteous to all school employees.

8. Know how to take care of themselves if they are sick and know when it's time to seek medical attention.

9. Understand how college loans will affect them and if they are lucky to have a scholarship, have them take the scholarship seriously. It would suck if they lost it due to not knowing what is expected of them.

10. Know that their professors are not their parents.

11. Get up when the alarm goes off.

12. ALWAYS go to class.

13. Know how to manage stress.

14. Know how to balance school work with their social life. Without us nagging at them, they may struggle with this. It's easy to get caught up in the social aspect of college and neglect their studies.

15. Know how to keep themselves and their valuables safe.

16. Try new things, make new friends.

17. Go to as many networking events as possible - make connections.

18. Invest in your professors: get to know them on a personal level by dropping by during office hours for help or advice. This relationship can help when in need of recommendation letters.

19. Get an internship.

20. Learn how to write. Not just write, but write well.

21. Develop skills that are hard to get outside the university.

22. Learn more than just your major - expand your knowledge beyond your degree.

23. Stand strong in your morals and values.

24. Don't put anything on the internet that could harm your employment or social life. If you don't want your mom, significant other or employer to see it, then don't post it!

25. Put your napkin in your lap and, if it's a cloth napkin, don't blow your nose in it! (My husband did that at a fancy restaurant when we were dating and, at that point, I was wondering if he was raised by a pack of wolves!)

26. And not one of the lists I read said anything about how to use postage stamps! So, even though most correspondence is done via the internet these days, make sure they know how snail mail works!

27. (An add from a reader!) "Know when and how to ask for help." This applies to everything from school work, to physical and mental health, to financial situations. Kind of goes along with being willing to admit you don't necessarily know everything, which is probably difficult for invincible 18 year olds...

I was really hoping someone would give me a list of all the life skills kids should know that I take for granted as common knowledge, but in my search, I didn't find that magical list. I suppose, many of the things will be learned as he goes along, the way many of us did. And, there's always Google!

For all of those sending a child off to college this fall, I wish for you, a sense of peace among the chaos of doubt in your head. Did I do enough? Are they ready to go it alone? Can I let go? If you have gotten this far, then the answer is "yes". Confidence breeds confidence, and by showing them that you feel they are ready will help them feel they can take this next step toward independence. It's a tough world out there, but it's meant to be discovered. Allowing your child the freedom to discover is one of the biggest gifts you can give him/her. And, if they find they are not quite ready once they get there, they can always come home (although I have big plans for my son's room when he leaves - so that may not work out - just kidding!).

If you have additional advice, please share it! I, as well as the readers, could use it!