The Never Ending Cycle of Suicide

Within the last month, I have been notified by my daughter's schools (one in high school, one in college) of a student taking their own life. Each time I hear of a suicide my heart aches; it aches for the person who hurt so terribly that, for them, it was the only answer, and it aches for all those whose lives will be forever changed by their absence.

It's important for us to stay vigilant; to monitor the mental health of those around us. Even those who appear happy on the outside could be struggling and you might be the lifeline they so desperately need but are reluctant to pursue.

One other thing to keep in mind: people make mistakes. None of us are innocent of making poor choices at some point or points in our life. Judging someone, pointing fingers, condemning them, hating on them because they did something wrong (no matter how terrible it was) accomplishes nothing except show what an unforgiving, non-empathetic, non-altruistic society we are moving towards. Being empathetic rather than hurtful proves they are more than their mistakes and their life is valuable, important and worth fighting for.

Those at the highest risk of suicide are the following:

1. Teens - This is obvious. Hormones, school struggles, family dysfunction, depression. There are so many reasons why teens contemplate or commit suicide. They are going through significant body changes causing unattractive breakouts, oily hair, body odor and so on. Because of these changes, they may be the subject of bullying causing their self-esteem to plummet. They may struggle with friendships, making them feel unliked and insignificant. They may deal with stressful family situations that they keep hidden, or they could be experiencing a true clinical depression that they just don't understand.

2. Those who have suffered severe physical or emotional trauma. Perhaps a close family member dies, a crime was committed against them, or they were injured physically in an accident. Also, losing a job, a good friend or financial stability can also have a direct impact. These traumas can take people to a dark place where they feel they can't escape.

3. Those who suffer from addiction. Whether someone is addicted to drugs, alcohol or some other addiction that runs their life, it can cause them to want out with as little pain as possible. Also, drugs and alcohol take away inhibitions making it easier to act out on suicidal thoughts.

4. Those who suffer from mental illness. Whether it's depression, Bi-Polar Disorder or some other mental illness, those who suffer from it, just want the pain to go away. Medication for these different disorders is not always as scientific or precise as we would like it to be, leaving some trying multiple different medicines without significant improvement.

5. A friend or family member has committed suicide. Oddly, suicide can be contagious. It has sometimes been romanticized as well as sensationalized making it look appealing.

Some signs to be aware of:

* Feelings of hopelessness
* Inability to sleep
* Panic attacks
* Socially isolating themselves
* Feeling of being a burden
* Anger/rage

Look for these behaviors:

* Increased use of alcohol or drugs
* Looking for ways to kill themselves; talking about how they would do it
* Acting recklessly
* Isolating themselves from family and friends
* Drastic change in sleeping habits - sleeping too much or too little
* Gives away prized possessions
* Becomes aggressive
(info found on www.afsp.org)

Also, keep an eye out for those who may appear overly happy. I'm not saying that being overly happy is a behavior that leads to suicide, but it is a way for those who hurt inside to hide. Sometimes, those who seem to have it all together and seem so incredibly happy are only using that to mask the pain that is manifesting itself on the inside.

The big question is what to do if you think your loved one is suffering from some of these symptoms. It's obvious that help is needed and as soon as possible, but that may not be welcomed by the one who is suffering. If they refuse help, you need to at least keep the lines of communication open. Always guide with a gentle hand. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to do will probably only cause them to become more resistant. If they won't get help, you need to reach out and get help from a professional so they can guide you in how to handle your friend or family member. There are a number of websites and toll-free phone numbers that can help you immediately.

I am not an expert on suicide, and I encourage you to do your own research and gather your own tools for prevention. But, I must share with you some advice based on an experience I had yesterday.

I went to order my daughter some food at a local fast food restaurant and started to take a seat on the bench to wait for my order. I already had my phone in hand, ready to check out Facebook and emails when an older woman made a spectacle of herself while trying to sit down on the bench next to me. My first thought was, "please don't talk to me, please, please, please!" but, of course, she did. She joked about her unsteadiness and then she introduced herself, telling me to shake her hand harder. "No, squeeze harder. C'mon, you can squeeze harder!" she said. She then complimented me on my blouse and told me how important it was to her to make sure everyone she met knew she noticed something nice about them. She made this her mission. She believed that too often, we ignore those around us, not even saying hello when time and space allow for it, and I have to agree. I can't tell you how many times I would look away to avoid saying hello to a stranger. After I had left, I thought about what she said, and it really resonated with me.

What if we all spent more time with our eyes open to those around us? What if we said the one thing that a person who was struggling, needed to hear? A kind compliment, a helping hand - something that says I CARE ABOUT YOU. Think back to the last time someone complimented you on something you wore - your hair, your smile or a great job you completed. Didn't it make you feel good? And what if that person was a complete stranger? Wouldn't the compliment heighten that feeling more, knowing someone who doesn't know you, noticed something special about you?

I challenge you to reach out. Try finding something special in those around you and pay homage to it. You never know when that little act could have such an enormous ripple effect and change the direction of someone's life for the better. Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

If you're in for the challenge, post yes in the comments. Please share your experience with us as well! I would love to hear how people reacted to your positivity!

Suicide and Survivor's Guilt

It's October second. Suicide prevention month is over, but we need to keep the conversation going. Jan wrote and excellent and very important post on suicide awareness. I won't reiterate the signs symptoms, because she lined them out so accurately. I do want to address another aspect of the tragedy of suicide. Namely, those left behind. The survivors.

It seems as though almost everyone has been touched by suicide. Well-loved actor Robin Williams' suicide on August 11, 2014 shocked the world. Robin Williams brought joy to many people and he had a great penchant for humor. Obviously, that didn't mean he wasn't suffering. If anything positive can come from the wake of such a tragedy it's that it got people talking. It put a face to the disease. Suicide is not a moral failing, a sin, or a weakness. I have read the buzz line, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I am going to call bullshit on that quote. Yes, obviously suicide is permanent. Death is permanent. We know that. But mental illness, the kind of soul sucking mental illness that leads to death is rarely temporary. Also, the phrase "temporary problem" minimizes the torment that the person experiences. Robin Williams was in his sixties when he lost his battle with mental illness. How many decades did he spend trying to get better before he finally couldn't do it anymore? My point is that mental illness is real and we need to stop minimizing it. The cute little anti depressant commercials with the sad egg bouncing around until it finds a ray of sunshine and smiles don't really cut it. People need to know that seeking help and, when necessary, taking prescribed medication to treat mental illness is no more shameful than watching diet and taking insulin for diabetes. To me, insinuating that mental illness is "a temporary problem" feeds into the "just get over it" mentality. Understanding that managing a mental illness and taking medication is often a life long process just like the management of any chronic illness will make it easier for people to get help, and with help there's hope.

Today quoted Robin Williams' daughter Zelda about the loss of her father: "There's no point questioning it and no point blaming anyone for it and there’s no point blaming yourself or the world or whatever the case may be because it happened and you have to continue to move and you have to continue to live and manage."  This brings me back to my original focus. Every suicide reverberates through time and space affecting many lives. A little over a month ago I was outside playing with the kids when my next door neighbor walked over in tears. She said that her 27 year old step son who she had raised from the age of 15 had shot and killed himself late the night before. Her husband had flown out to California the moment he found out about his eldest son's passing. I hugged her and told her how sorry I was to hear the news. She went on to say that he had been the happiest kid, and while he had struggled with depressive episodes on and off, he had seemed to be doing better. She said something I think many survivors can relate to, "If only he would have told us, we would have done anything to help him". I responded, "There was nothing anyone could do". I didn't know the son,but I know his suicide wasn't their fault, or the fault of the girlfriend with whom he had broken things off with just days before. Of course, I'm sure there were many triggers, but the son didn't pick up the phone and call his parents or a friend or the emergency room because in that moment he wasn't in his right state of mind. He was sick. I don't mean he was "crazy". I mean biochemically and neurologically his brain was not functioning properly. The survival instinct that drives us and keeps us safe was shut off. Autopsies of suicide victims's brains suggest the disturbance of the HPA axis and implications of serotonin 1A( 5-HT1A) and serotonin 2A (5-HT2A) In other words, brain chemistry is compromised, muting the person's instinct to persevere and survive. Combine this with life events and feeling overwhelmed  with struggles that seem anything but temporary, and you have a catalyst. A perfect storm in the brain.

My neighbor has become very quiet. He keeps to himself a lot. Does he know it's not his fault?The grief of a loved one's death is compounded when that death is a suicide. It is nothing short of torture to live with what ifs, but the best thing to do is talk about it. Help to remove the stigma. Don't be ashamed. Many people conceal the cause of a loved one's death because they don't want them to be remembered "that way" and while I don't mean to say their is a wrong way to cope, I think this only perpetuates unnecessary shame. Education and action is power. For example, geting involved in an Out of the Darkness walk to support suicide prevention research is a great way to take action and experience camaraderie.

Survivor's guilt is defined as the condition in which a person feels a sense of wrong doing when they survived an event that others did not. (survivor's guilt) If you have lost someone to suicide, it is not your fault. I know you may not believe me, but it needs to be said. Maybe you had a fight with the person or had an estranged relationship. Maybe you look back on things they said or did and wish you had reacted differently. Maybe you are angry at them. You wish you had known, but you couldn't have. Your loved one was sick and nothing you said or did, didn't say or didn't do caused them to commit suicide. We have to work to promote education on mental illness and suicide. We don't have to be ashamed. We also have to remember to take care of the survivors. As Jan mentioned, family members of suicide victims are at a higher risk for suicide.Its time to stop the shame because monsters live in the dark. It's time to come out of the darkness and take care of all those who have been touched by suicide. It's not your fault.

Sources:

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/robin-williams-daughter-there-s-no-point-questioning-suicide-20150226

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9015799

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivor_guilt

Suicide - I Challenge You To Make a Difference

A year ago, on September 11th, 2014, a well-liked, outgoing student from my kids school killed himself. When the notice was emailed to the parents, letting us know of the tragedy and what our kids would be facing when they entered school the next day, I was plagued by the question "why?" Why would a young man who appeared to be so happy, take his own life? Everyone who spoke of this young man said how happy he was, how he was rarely seen without a large smile on his face and how he was well liked by a significant percentage of the school population. This baffled me. What caused him to take such a drastic measure when he appeared to be just fine.

Unfortunately, we don't always get all of the answers. The answers are silenced when the person takes his or her life, leaving those in pain grasping for a reason, understanding and a release from their own guilt and unimaginable grief.

Being that September is Suicide Prevention Month, I want to touch on the signs and behaviors to look out for among your friends and family. It's easy to dismiss some of these signs and behaviors because you may think your friend or family member would never do such a thing, but that's exactly what those left in the aftermath of a suicide say. "I never thought he was capable of this," seems to be heard all too often.

Those at the highest risk of suicide are the following:

1. Teens - This is obvious. Hormones, school struggles, family dysfunction, depression. There are so many reasons why teens contemplate or commit suicide. They are going though significant body changes causing unattractive breakouts, oily hair, body odor and so on. Because of these changes, they may be the subject of bullying causing their self-esteem to plummet. They may struggle with friendships, making them feel unliked and insignificant. They may deal with stressful family situations that they keep hidden, or they could be experiencing a true clinical depression that they just don't understand.

2. Those who have suffered severe physical or emotional trauma. Perhaps a close family member dies, a crime was committed against them, or they were injured physically in an accident. Also, losing a job, a good friend or financial stability can also have a direct impact. These traumas can take people to a dark place where they feel they can't escape.

3. Those who suffer from addiction. Whether someone is addicted to drugs, alcohol or some other addiction that runs their life, it can cause them to want out with as little pain as possible. Also, drugs and alcohol take away inhibitions making it easier to act out on suicidal thoughts.

4. Those who suffer from mental illness. Whether it's depression, Bi-Polar Disorder or some other mental illness, those who suffer from it, just want the pain to go away. Medication for these different disorders is not always as scientific or precise as we would like it to be, leaving some trying multiple different medicines without significant improvement.

5. A friend or family member has committed suicide. Oddly, suicide can be contagious. It has sometimes been romanticized as well as sensationalized making it look appealing.

Some signs to be aware of:

* Feelings of hopelessness
* Inability to sleep
* Panic attacks
* Socially isolating themselves
* Feeling of being a burden
* Anger/rage

Look for these behaviors:

* Increased use of alcohol or drugs
* Looking for ways to kill themselves; talking about how they would do it
* Acting recklessly
* Isolating themselves from family and friends
* Drastic change in sleeping habits - sleeping too much or too little
* Gives away prized possessions
* Becomes aggressive
(info found on www.afsp.org)

Also, keep an eye out for those who may appear overly happy. I'm not saying that being overly happy is a behavior that leads to suicide, but it is a way for those who hurt inside to hide. Sometimes, those who seem to have it all together and seem so incredibly happy are only using that to mask the pain that is manifesting itself on the inside.

The big question is what to do if you think your loved one is suffering from some of these symptoms. It's obvious that help is needed and as soon as possible, but that may not be welcomed by the one who is suffering. If they refuse help, you need to at least keep the lines of communication open. Always guide with a gentle hand. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to do will probably only cause them to become more resistant. If they won't get help, you need to reach out and get help from a professional so they can guide you in how to handle your friend or family member. There are a number of websites and toll-free phone numbers that can help you immediately.

I am not an expert on suicide, and I encourage you to do your own research and gather your own tools for prevention. But, I must share with you some advice based on an experience I had yesterday.

I went to order my daughter some food at a local fast food restaurant and started to take a seat on the bench to wait for my order. I already had my phone in hand, ready to check out Facebook and emails when an older woman made a spectacle of herself while trying to sit down on the bench next to me. My first thought was, "please don't talk to me, please, please please!" but, of course she did. She joked about her unsteadiness and then she introduced herself, telling me to shake her hand harder, "no, squeeze harder. C'mon, you can squeeze harder!" She then complimented me on my blouse and told me how important it was to her to make sure everyone she met, knew that she noticed something nice about them. She made this her mission. She believed that too often, we ignore those around us, not even saying hello when time and space allow for it, and I have to agree. I can't tell you how many times I would look away to avoid saying hello to a stranger. After I had left, I thought about what she said, and it really resonated with me.

What if we all spent more time with our eyes open to those around us? What if we said the one thing that a person who was struggling, needed to hear? A kind compliment, a helping hand - something that says I CARE ABOUT YOU. Think back to the last time someone complimented you on something you wore - your hair, your smile or a great job you completed. Didn't it make you feel good? And what if that person was a complete stranger? Wouldn't the compliment heighten that feeling even more knowing someone who doesn't know you, noticed something special about you?

I challenge you to reach out. Try finding something special in those around you and pay homage to it. You never know when that little act could have such an enormous ripple effect and change the direction of someone's life for the better. Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

If you're in for the challenge, post yes in the comments. Please share your experience with us as well! I would love to hear how people reacted to your positivity!