What Was I Thinking?!

 I was bored. I needed a purpose other than being a mother of three kids and the wife of a successful engineer. My last child was finally out of the house. After 24 years of staying at home and tending to my family's every need, I was done. Cooking, cleaning, driving, trips to the doctor, vomit cleanup, potty training, visits with principals, therapists, psychiatrists, IOPs, PHPs, and visits from the police (just to name a few). I was deep in parenthood and was ready for a breath of air. But just enjoying peaceful days at home wasn't enough for me. 

I had already published my debut novel and had earned my Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing before my youngest flew the nest, but I wanted more. I wanted to share my love of writing and the world of English with others. How could I not when I had so much passion? So I did a crazy thing. I got my credentials from the state and began applying for teaching jobs. To say I was naive to what lay ahead would be only part of the analysis. It wouldn't be long before I would get a fresh view or a strong dose of the state of our kids as well as what it's like to have a boss who could possibly be a narcissist. 

I entered my new job with anxious anticipation (and when I say anxious, I was nearly jumping out of my skin). The idea of going back to teach was a far different feeling than actually getting in front of the students and teaching. It had been 24 years since I had been in my own classroom. When I left, I was still recording grades in a paper grade book and using a calculator to figure out percentages. We didn't have email to contact parents (or for parents to contact us) or phones with text capabilities. And we most definitely didn't have portable computers and school platforms for teacher-created content and homework assignments. In those 24 years, computers became not only smaller, smarter, and faster, they became (for many schools) a part of the student learning process. Over the years, the use of heavy textbooks has, in many classes, been replaced with e-books. Students turn their homework in online. Handwriting has gone out the window. There was a sharp learning curve, and I had much to catch up on. I should also add that I was hired only two weeks before school started. I believe this is called "baptism by fire" or "dang, you're screwed." 

My boss gave me more information than I could process in the few days of staff meetings before school started. Between the time I had been out of the teaching world and the old brain, I was (as expected) overwhelmed. Not only did I need to learn how the school functioned, but I had to also develop curriculums for my Creative Writing Class and English classes. I spent a fortune on online curriculum materials, but it also saved me time and my sanity, so the money spent was worth it. 

Once school started and I got to know my students, the jitters were replaced with excitement. I loved the students, and I loved teaching them. I got better at navigating Google Classroom and entering grades into Gradelink. I got to know the teachers and enjoyed being at a school as a teacher once again. But what I didn't anticipate was the way my boss went about letting you know if you weren't doing something correctly or to her standards. I would say I was given a two-week grace period to know everything before the comments started. I had no warning because the teachers were pretty tight-lipped about our boss until I opened up the dialogue when I couldn't hold it in anymore. One day, in particular, I was yelled at in front of the students because I let a student go home from the after-school homework club because he was done with his work early. I don't remember ever being so humiliated. First, I was never told that it was not an option (other students could go home early, so why not this student?) Secondly, to be yelled at in front of the students was incredibly unprofessional and could have taken away any credibility I had worked hard to gain with my students. I took the mental beating and then drove home, trying to convince myself not to quit right then and there. But I thought of my students and how fond I was of them. Instead of quitting, I wrote my boss an email stating that I wouldn't be treated like that again. I did receive a half-assed apology followed by a long and unnecessary explanation of the purpose, necessity, and blah, blah, blah, of this and that. But it wasn't long before the passive-aggressive comments began and started grinding me down. The comments would imply that "the boss" was the only one who could do anything right, that "the boss" did everyone's jobs, and if "the boss" didn't do it, nothing would ever get done. "The boss" professed these beliefs daily. 

The negative, back-handed comments continued. I wasn't a bad teacher, nor were my other cohorts, but "the boss" certainly made most of us feel as if we were. When you work for someone who exhibits narcissistic qualities, you will rarely be praised, never receive a real apology, never be told: "you were right" (even when it's obvious), and rarely given credit for the extra work you do. You will also be forced to listen to all the great things they do, including your job. Their egos must always be stroked, that is, if you want to keep down the criticism they dish out regularly. I began to realize that I was working for a narcissist. 

On the website Choosingtherapy.com, Satoris Howes, Ph.D., lists 15 signs that your boss might be a narcissist. My ex-boss checks off most of these signs (if not all). Here are the 15 signs Dr. Howes lists:

1. They talk about themselves almost exclusively.

2. They have fantasies of greatness. 

3. They require constant praise.

4. They show a sense of entitlement.

5. They take advantage of others.

6. They are envious of others.

7. They lack empathy.

8. They are remarkably charming.

9. They are extremely competitive.

10. They find criticism intolerable.

11. They hold long-lasting grudges.

12. They are constantly on the go.

13. They get their supply from having great "communal" skills.

 Working for someone who exhibits the above traits often makes the workplace a toxic environment. A narcissist will grind you down until you are dust. Without the ability to show empathy, your needs will never be met, and therefore, your job will be a wasteland of toxicity and lost dreams. And, like me, you will lose your last bit of patience, tell them to go to hell, pack up your desk (in my case, my entire classroom), and drive away, hoping that that "the boss" will feel the blow as much as you did (but deep down, you know they won't). 

I cried all the way home, sad to leave my students, sad to know that I would not be able to give them the goodbye I wanted, sad that my boss was bound and determined to belittle me to the point of me walking off the job before the job was over. I have never quit a job like this. I am not a quitter. But mental health is important. Too often, people continue to work or live in toxic conditions, allowing it to take a toll on their well-being. Some people even take drastic measures to hurt those who push them too far. It's an expansive problem in our society, being told to "suck it up" and forced to put up with the abuse because if we don't, we are considered weak. No one should put up with that BS. No one should be treated with disrespect or be belittled, or made to feel inferior. And if someone decides to put their mental health above the bullying, they shouldn't have to explain themselves. They are not weak. In fact, they are strong for sticking up for themselves. Fortunately for me, I don't need the money from my job, but those who do, have no choice but to put up with the constant abuse, which only whittles away at their mental health. My advice? Start looking for a new job.

Now to answer the question, "what was I thinking?" Well, I was thinking by going back into the classroom, that I could make a difference in my students' lives. I would like to think I did, even if the time was short. I thought I could share my passion for English, and I'd like to believe I did that as well. I learned a lot from going back into the classroom. Not only did I learn that sometimes kids just need someone to show they care, but I also discovered that praise and the ability to see past the minutia of their behaviors can create positive results. But beyond what I learned about my students, I learned some valuable lessons for myself:

1. I will never work for a narcissist ever again.

2. I will never be molded into a robotic teacher.

3. I will always look out for my students' mental health.

4. I will not be made to feel inferior when I know I am intelligent, reliable, and competent.

5. I will never allow anyone to talk down to me. I am enough.

6. I will continue to find ways to be a guiding light for those who need it in an environment that is supportive.

Who knows where the next adventure will take me. I am open to the possibilities. Perhaps I'll finish the novels I started before my life changed its trajectory. All I know right now is that I am at peace with my decision. As much as I love my students, I just couldn't compromise my mental health or who I am as a person. There comes a time when we must know when to walk away. My day was today.

Terrible Teens?

Teenagers are unpredictable, temperamental, impulsive, sexually confused, insecure, defiant, and exceedingly needy beings who require more patience than their two-year-old counterparts. Compile all these words into one and I would say, teenagers are tricky.

Being that I am on my third teenager, this stage should be easy. I should have all the answers; I should have this down pat, able to maneuver around the land mines that come with raising teenagers. But here's the first thing I have learned: no two children are alike and no two children can be raised exactly the same way. 

My first two children were relatively easy teenagers. My oldest, a boy, was the easiest which was such a treat since he was the most difficult between the ages of about 5 to 13 (and also when he had colic as a newborn). I shudder at the memory of the tantrums and meltdowns he seemed to have on a daily basis due in part to his ADHD. There were times when I wondered if I would lose my sanity and there was always that fear that I would do something to hurt him in the process of trying to control his raging outbursts. But, I survived and so did he, both of us growing through the process and gaining a better understanding of his needs. My second child, a daughter, was, and still is, a people pleaser. Although she was hypersensitive as a baby, never allowing me to put her down, and had her share of meltdowns, she tended to listen and follow rules making it easy to impart my husband's and my wisdom and expectations without resistance. As a teenager, her struggles were more with friends and school than with her parents. So, when the third child became a teenager, my husband and I were ill-prepared for what we would encounter and endure (and we are not done yet).

My third child was an amazingly easy baby. She rarely cried except if she was hungry or her diaper needed changing. My husband would often comment that if he didn't know better, he wouldn't know there was a baby in the house. I would tote my little bundle everywhere, even to school when I would volunteer, and she would sit happily in the stroller and almost never make a peep. I was so thrilled to have finally gotten my easy baby. But through the years, she became more difficult. Like my son, I considered her a strong-willed child who pushed the boundaries we had placed around her. But nothing could have prepared us for the teenage years.

When my third child was in fourth grade, she complained of being bullied by another girl. The school didn't seem to do anything about it, even after a number of other parents complained that their children were also being bullied by the same girl. I made a decision to take her out of that school and have her start a new school at the beginning of fifth grade. Little did I know that there was another bully, a boy, at this new school who quickly latched on to my daughter. At first, my daughter didn't say anything about it but by sixth grade, it was taking a toll on her. Eventually, this boy bully and some of his friends messaged her on Instagram (she didn't have a phone and I had no idea they could message on Instagram through their iPods). The boys encouraged her to kill herself, backing her into a "virtual" corner. Of course, there are two ways you can endure being abused: you can take it until you're trampled to death, or you can fight back which is exactly what my daughter did. The fighting back only bit her in the ass and got her and the boys in trouble (which in retrospect I wish I would have fought). This bullying along with sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted friend changed my charismatic, sweet, funny, and talented daughter into a shell of a girl who, as a teen, struggles to get through every day without giving up. Because she was unable to control what happened to her in middle school, she is resistant to rules, authority figures, boundaries to keep her safe, and anything that takes the control away from her. My husband and I were not prepared to deal with such adverse behavior creating even more friction and mayhem at home. It lead to my daughter being hospitalized four times, attending partial hospitalization and out-patient programs, getting treatment from therapists and psychiatrists, doing neurofeedback therapy, and spending 37 days in a residential facility all in the hopes of getting her stabilized. When none of our attempts to help her worked, my husband and I needed to re-evaluate how we were going to raise her.

As I've indicated, and as some of you already know, raising teens is difficult. But when you have a teen who has suffered severe trauma and struggles with incapacitating depression, there are so many added layers to pierce, to rip through to get to the person it's protecting. Each layer has been built, from pain, like a thick scar after an injury. And like a physical injury, it never heals back to its original, unblemished skin. The scar not only protects but also reminds the recipient of how it got there, allowing the recipient to relive the pain and trauma over and over again. Even the best plastic surgeons can never make a scar completely disappear and so the recipient must live with the reminder for the rest of his or her life. The brain is no different from the physical scar on one's skin and yet, for those who don't live within the head of the hurt, they often expect that the trauma will eventually vanish and the brain will be back to its former self. But we know that is not true, unfortunately. Those who suffer a trauma live with that for the rest of their lives so it's not a matter of erasing it, it's a matter of living with it. My husband and I learned this the hard way.

We have learned and continue to learn many things about raising a teen who suffers from depression and past trauma(s). I thought I would share them with you in the hopes of helping other parents who are going through the same thing so here they are.

1. Throw all the previous rules out the window. What worked for your other children won't usually work for this one. Yes, you must have boundaries, but you also must be flexible to move those boundaries if necessary. 

2. Trust will be hard to build. It will be broken over and over again, but never give up. 

3. Don't be shocked or exasperated or reactive to their poor decisions. They will make more mistakes than the average teen. You must learn to let things roll off of you or you will make the problem worse than it was to begin with. 

4. If you invade their privacy, don't let them know by taking action for what you have found. You will lose their trust which is incredibly important and they will only do more of what you have just forbidden them to do. If you find something concerning, try to figure out why they would be doing this and see if you can redirect the behavior through open communication and understanding. 

5. Don't expect them to be excited about something just because you are, and don't be disappointed that they aren't excited. Showing them that you are disappointed that they are not feeling the way you are, only shows them how depressed they are. But when they are excited about something, make a note of it and enjoy the moment. 

6. Don't give them advice if they don't ask for it. If they come to you about a problem (consider yourself lucky, first of all), repeat back what they told you and empathize with them. Often, they don't want your help, they just want you to understand how they are feeling and why. 

7. Take care of yourself and your marriage. Having a troubled teen can put a big strain on you and your relationships. Get therapy to help put things in perspective. I recommend both individual and couples therapy to nurture both you and your relationship. Often, parents aren't on the same page when it comes to how to handle their teen so having a neutral party to help sort through both of your concerns is greatly beneficial. As parents, being on the same page, together or divorced, will create a more supportive and stable environment for your child.

8. Expect the unexpected at all times. Don't let your guard down when things are going well because they rarely stay that way for too long. I always refer to it as the "shoe drop" which happens when we least expect it. If you are always ready for that "shoe drop" you won't be as disappointed or underprepared.

9. Celebrate the good times! There will be some good times between the tough stuff that cannot be ignored. Take your child in a warm embrace and relish this victory when they have found the sun shining through a dark cloud. 

10. Don't let your friends make you feel like a failed parent. It will seem like your friends have the perfect children when compared to your own. It's only natural to compare, but when you have a child who suffers from depression or other mental health issues, you can't compare nor should you. Focus on your's and your child's journey through this unpredictable maze. Your child will grow and mature and work their way out of the maze, but until then their journey might be more complicated with more turns and dead ends. Just know that they will get to the end and when they do, you and your child will be stronger and more resilient than many who were given a straight line to the end of the maze. We all learn from our experiences. Those who encounter more of the tough stuff tend to get along better in life than those who don't.

I hope this helps those who need it. You're not alone, believe me. Depression in teens is on the rise. According to mhanational.com, almost 20 percent of teens ages 12-17 suffer from depression. In addition, 60 percent of those teens don't receive any mental health treatment. 20 percent might not seem like a large amount but if you were buying something and you got 20 percent off, you would think that was a great deal. 20 percent means we're close to a quarter of teens, 1 in 4. Again, you and your teen are not alone. Don't be the 60 percent who don't get help, don't make the mistakes that I had to make to learn the above lessons. Be proactive and make the appropriate choice that will help both you and your teen. They are not terrible teens--just teens who need a little extra help along their journey to adulthood. 

Our Teens in the Time of Covid

We've had a hell of a year. If you're still standing upright, hair intact, somewhat sane, and haven't adopted more than 10 pets since the beginning of Covid, then you're doing okay in the scheme of things. But what about our teenagers? This year has wreaked havoc on their lives and has driven them into some very unhealthy behaviors. Mental health issues among our teens are up almost 50 percent since the start of Covid, and more in teen girls than boys. Anxiety and depression along with negative changes in their sleep and aggressive behaviors have reared their ugly heads as our teens have been required to stay away from their friends and the activities they love.

Teenagers are primed to seek independence from their families at this stage of their lives. It is a time when they find their way in life, discover who they are, and who they want to be. But with Covid, there is no time for independence, hanging out with friends, playing those cherished sports, finding those special loves, being absolutely silly, or even a little reckless. Instead, they are trapped. Even worse, they are trapped with their parents and fear of the unknown. In addition, they are disconnected from their friends and possibly feeling stress from their parents. So what now? Where does a teen go? What does a teen do? Well, if you think your teen is abiding by your rules and staying at home, you're probably mistaken.

Teenagers are now finding a way to escape through vaping whether it's nicotine or marijuana, it's an easy, relatively cost-effective way to extricate themselves from this jail that has been created by the "experts" who didn't take into account the effect their actions would have on the children of this country and around the globe. Investigators surveyed 1000 Canadian adolescents about binge drinking, cannabis use, and vaping in the three weeks before and after social distancing began. They found that the frequency of both alcohol and cannabis increased during social isolation. 32% reported using substances with peers via technology and 24% used substances with peers face to face despite the mandate (Mdedg.com). "These authors suggest that teens who feared loss of friendships during quarantine might be more willing to engage in risky behaviors such as face-to-face substance use to maintain social status. while solitary substance use was related to both Covid19 fears and depressive symptomatology" Dr. Cataletto said (Mdedg.com).

So, how do you know if your child is vaping? Sometimes it's easy to wave off the symptoms as common teenage angst, but if it's unlike your child to be angsty or on edge, or if there is a quick change in his or her behavior, you need to question why. Your child might exhibit distorted thinking and behaviors. You might notice a change in his or her personality, abnormal movements, and other abnormal behaviors. They might become irritable and aggressive if they are going through withdrawal.  You might even notice interpersonal problems with friends and family as well as physical and psychological issues.

Some other facts about vaping from flavorshookkids.org. 97% of kids who vape use flavors. In the last two years, vaping has increased by 218% (that's a staggering number!) among middle schoolers and 135% among high schoolers. Teens are nearly 7 times more likely to vape nicotine than adults. Marijuana vaping among youths increased by 58% in a single year. All this seems very scary and Covid is only making these numbers jump.

There are many treatment options for Substance Use Disorders (SUD) or Addiction. But as a parent of a teen, the most important thing you can do is create an open and non-threatening line of communication with your child. Getting mad that they are vaping is not going to help the situation, it's only going to send your child running to the substance that you want them to so desperately quit. Find out why they have turned to vaping. If they are not willing to open up to you, see if they would be willing to talk to a therapist or counselor. I can't express enough how important it is to allow your child to talk about what is driving them to turn to vaping. Unfortunately, unless your child wants to quit, it's going to be difficult to get them to do so. Even if you forbid them they will find a way to vape. But if they do decide that they are willing to stop they will probably need help depending on how addicted they are to the substance they are vaping. Here are the options:

• Hospitalization for medical withdrawal
• Therapeutic communities
• Outpatient medication management and psychotherapy
• Intensive outpatient programs
• Residential treatment
• Multi-aid groups
• Self-help groups

I'm not here to scare you, only to open your eyes to what is happening to our teens and how we can help them as they try to navigate through this tough world that has been made even more difficult by Covid. I can't imagine being a teen during this time--they have lost more than a year of their childhood, a very important time of development that just might come back to haunt us years down the road. Let's try not to cover our eyes and pretend that all this will go away because it won't. Let's be proactive and try to guide them as best we can. Let's get them the help they need now, not years later when the damage is already done. And let's not forget to take care of ourselves. It's always important to keep ourselves afloat so that we can keep those around us from drowning.

Mental Health and COVID-19

Where do I start? Words like "pandemic", "quarantine", and "social distancing" have become part of everyday language, especially within the last week. I'm not here to talk about statistics, lecture you about staying inside, or discuss the physical symptoms of the coronavirus ad nauseum - not because it's not a big deal, but because literally everyone is talking about it. The conversations are important - and overwhelming.

We live in a world where we're one scroll a way from scary headlines and latest news. On the upside, it's never been easier to stay informed and connected. The downside is wide spread - yet understandable - fixation. As a parent of a kiddo on the spectrum, I know fixation, though somewhat inevitable, is not healthy. So am I saying we should hide our heads in the sand and avoid what's going on? No, it's essential to be informed, especially where health and safety are concerned. But now that we're all stuck inside with exponentially inflating numbers buzzing around our heads like flies and every phone conversation circling back to one topic, let's not forget mental health. It's okay to extend social distancing to social media and to limit how much you allow into your brain. It's okay to take a break, read a book, focus on your work, and talk about literally anything else. It doesn't mean your not taking this seriously. Sometimes social media makes us feel guilty for disconnecting. I have to constantly remind myself not to take the bait - for my own sanity.

This pandemic is affecting all of us in some way - those in vulnerable groups the most. But it's not just affecting us physically. No matter who you are, you're likely experiencing isolation, cabin fever, anxiety, and disruption in your normal routine. This is an adjustment for anyone. For those with underlying mental health conditions, current circumstances exacerbate already pervasive struggles. Anxiety sufferers, particularly those with germ-focused phobia, must deal with increased worry over getting sick, getting someone else sick, or a vulnerable loved one. Again, we are all dealing with these very appropriate worries. But, already present anxiety is that much more amplified. Although, if you prefer to be at home like me, certain anxieties (social) may actually be alleviated. On the other hand, if you're a small business owner or otherwise out of work, you are likely faced with financial uncertainty, especially given that none of us know how long we're in for.

Social distancing equals social isolation, especially for individuals like my mom, who live alone. Social isolation is depression's best friend. If you don't suffer from depression, this is a time to watch for it in yourself and those around you. Especially check in on those who live alone. Signs like lack of motivation, sleeping ore than usual, changes in appetite, and irritability (especially in children) can all be warning signs of depression. If you're a fellow depression warrior, now is the time to take extra care of yourself. If you rely on a routine that has been subsequently interrupted, create a new or modified routine. It might sound simple, but getting up and dressed and showered even when you won't be stepping foot outside your door may help retain some normalcy. While it's healthy to distance from social media, it's also important to keep connected. I've done this by participating in the live streaming of my church services, spending time coming up with new activities to do with my kids, enjoying rare moments to talk with my husband with fewer distractions (sports, a long commute to and from the office), and maintaining regular phone contact with my mom.

This isn't the time to put extra pressure on yourself. If you have a family and even if you don't extra chores will be created y people being home all day using dishes, taking things out, etcetera. If you have restless kids at home like I do, you may see an entirely new level of clutter. My ten year old was recently looking for his GoPro charger. He asked me where it was. I can't even keep track of my own stuff, so I told him to look in his room. Apparently, this ultimately fruitless search necessitated taking every book off his shelf and leaving it stranded on the floor. Well, at least he can keep himself busy cleaning his room. Spoiler alert: hasn't happened yet.

I got some great advice from my son's therapist. She encouraged me to avoid putting too much pressure on academics, instead focusing on mental health right now. I feel like this is good advice anyway, but with a first grader on the autism spectrum, I have to check my expectations. Though my older son is used to homeschooling, E is used to the structured environment of school. His day to day has changed - not ideal for someone on the spectrum. Fortunately, we have access to e learning and his teacher and aids have been great about filling his virtual subject folders. I've been employing the use of our visual schedule to intersperse school with free time, but I have to remember not to push it. In general, we all have this fear of falling behind. Maybe we can put that aside for now. Maybe we can take a lesson from all the chaos and learn to slow down, prioritizing our health and well-being. Now is not the time to introduce new material or stress about extra screen time.

As we navigate this new, uncertain terrain, we are inundated with reminders to practice proper hygiene and safeguard our physical health. let's remind ourselves to also focus on and safeguard our mental health too.

Please feel free to leave your own tips for mental healthcare, as well as ideas for helping those living alone feel connected, in the comments