Funny Fridays: Guys, This One's for You

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, Dear? Why are you down here  at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only sixteen?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remeber when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"You know..... I would have goten out today."

From: jokes.christiansunite.com

Random Thoughts Thursday: Random Thoughts When Insomnia Strikes

The other day my friend and I were discussing the odd phenomenon of being completely, uselessly, paralytically exhausted and yet not being able to sleep. We were hoping to crack the code on why this happens, but our insomnia is still a mystery. Insomnia would actually be useful if I could get my ass out of bed and accomplish something. Is their really any greater waste of time than lying in bed from 10:30 (Oh, I'll go to bed early!) until 3:30 A.M. simultaneously wide awake and exhausted into paralysis? True story. This is my frustrating paradox. I can't sleep to save my life so I lie there with my eyes closed listening to whatever crap is on TV at that time of night (think bad reality shows meet infomercials). Yes, yes, I know having screens on triggers the brain to be awake blah blah blah. The other problem with insomnia is that it's really boring, which brings me to my next question: if I can't sleep, why don't I get up and use my quiet house to DO something? Well, I think about it, but although I can't sleep I am really tired and I think I will fall asleep ANY MINUTE. Actually, I think many random thoughts during my hours of insomnia, so hey what better topic for a Random Thoughts Thursday post? See, I am using my insomnia productively. Here are just a few thoughts I had the other night while attempting to sleep.

I am going to bed early tonight. Finally I won't be tired tomorrow. I will wake up refreshed.

I am so tired. I bet I'll fall asleep right away.

I better make sure my alarm is set, just in case Elliott decides to do something drastic like sleep past 6:00 A.M.

I can't believe I thought Vacation Bible School started at 9:30. I totally would have been on time today if it had started at 9:30. Oh well, I'll be on time tomorrow. Although, I should set realistic expectations to avoid setting myself up for failure. I'll shoot for five minutes late.

Why am I still awake? I'll turn on Mystery Diagnosis. I'm so glad we switched from Dish to Comcast. Now we get all these great channels. I'll always have something to listen to to help me fall asleep. Our security system was a down grade, but look at all of these channels! Priorities.

Wow, I have at least two of these symptoms. I wonder if I have a rare genetic blood disorder like this guy.

I really need to get those thank you cards out.

Mystery Diagnosis is over and I'm still awake. I wonder if I should use this time to write. No, I'll be tired in the morning if I don't get some sleep. I'll just lie still and I'll be asleep soon.

Teen Mom is on? I didn't even know this show was on anymore. Wow, and I though I didn't have my shit together. At least my husband and I don't fight over text messages. WTF? How can this girl's fiance afford to give her a vacation to Saint Thomas Island for her birthday? Weren't they just bitching about not being able to afford formula? What's with the priorities? It's almost like downgrading a security system in favor of more TV channels.

I am so embaressed that I just watched that show.

I am still awake, maybe I should fold the laundry.

Why am I always thinking about laundry? I think it is a medical fact that thinking about laundry exacerbates insomnia.

I wonder if Elliott is going to sleep through the night tonight. This is like Murphy's Law. He is sleeping and I can't.

Damn, it's midnight already. I wonder if anyone else is still awake. I really want to text someone. But then if they are sleeping and they have one of those obnoxious notification sounds like birds chirping, I will wake them up and then they  will probably think I am a needy weirdo for texting them at midnight to see if they are awake. Then they will want to back away from the friendship. They will make friends with the cool, put together mom at the gym and tell her about their lame, needy ex-friend. Pretty soon I will be blacklisted by all suburban moms.

My friends wouldn't do that. But still, I shouldn't wake them up.

I still haven't signed Aiden up for swim lessons and it's mid July. what kind of mom am I? Although in my defense the weather has been crappy. Maybe I should sign him up for indoor swim lessons and call it a day. Although they cost more money, and what is summer for if not outdoor swim lessons? I should check the ten day forecast and go from there.

Maybe I should use my quiet time to write. If I'm not asleep after this rerun of Supernanny I'll write.

Listen Joe Frost, this mom is doing the best she can utilizing the naughty spot! I actully think the main problem is calling it a naughty spot. That just doesn't sound right. Let's stick with time out. I don't know how it is in Britain, but around these parts "naughty spot" has a different connotation.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep. Does this ever actually work?

I am going to be tired tomorrow. Although, if I fall asleep now I could still get six hours. That's not bad. Ready set sleep!

Okay, Supernanny is over and I'm still awake. I have so many ideas for blog posts, which one should I write? I am really tired now, I bet I will fall asleep.

Five hundred channels and nothing to watch? What, people don't watch TV at 2:00 A.M. The only thing on is infomercials and Sex Sent Me To The ER. Decisions decisions.

Why would someone pay three hundred dollars for a vacuum steam mop combo?

Hmm, this vacuum steam mop combo does a lot. It even picks up pet hair.

I really need to vacuum the couch.

I am going to be tired tomorow. Actually today since it is after 3:00 A.M. Oh well, I'll just go to be early tomorrow night...

What My Two Year Old Teaches Me

I am emerging from the summer time suck long enough to pound out a blog post (I hope). As many of you know my two-year-old broke his first metatarsal (bone above the big toe joint) on Father's Day weekend. How did he break it, you ask? I have written previously about his penchant for climbing things and his lack of fear, so you would probably guess that he jumped off of something. It would also be reasonable to guess that he was injured at the kiddie gym where we held his brother's party and where he was actually allowed to jump on a trampoline and dive into a foam pit. These would be reasonable hypothesis, but they would be wrong. He broke his toe by tripping and falling over his own two feet. Landing on his hands and knees. In the kitchen. And I was hoping he didn't inherit the klutz gene from my side of the family. This gene really does exist. If you don't believe me try going on a hike with my family.

In any case, when the injury occurred it didn't look like much, until he tried to stand up and was unable to put weight on his foot. He continued crying about the pain and saying that he wanted "toe off". I knew something was wrong since he usually brushes off injuries as soon as they occur. As I got ready to take him to urgent care (because these things NEVER happen during regular doctors' office hours) my husband said, and I quote, "I don't think you need to take him in. I mean, it's a twisted ankle. It will be fine." He gently reminded me that I tend to be a hypochondriac by proxy and I gently reminded him that I have accurately diagnosed my children with pink eye and ear infections. Off to urgent care we went. After x-rays, they immobilized the foot with a double ace wrap and told me to keep him off of it until we could see the orthopedic specialist on Monday morning. You might think this would be problematic with an active two-year-old, but the next day his toe swelled up and turned bluish; he had no desire to put weight on it. While we felt sorry for him and bemoaned the occurrence of such a random accident had to occur and what if he was in a cast all summer, Elliott adapted to the situation by crawling and scooting around the house happily playing with his trucks. I think it is pertinent to add that I did NOT say "I told you so" to my husband. At least not out loud. Meanwhile, Aiden was jealous of his brother's "cool cast" and wanted to know if he could have a turn. Honestly, kids get jealous of the weirdest things. 

Fortunately, the orthopedic specialist did not have to cast Elliott's foot, but he traded his ace bandage in for a boot that he has to wear for 3 to four weeks at all times other than bathing. She warned me that it may take him some time to want to walk on it. As predicted, for the first day he wanted to be carried or crawled everywhere. By the second day he realized he could stand on his new boot and by the end of the second day he was back to running. It sounds like we are living with a pirate in high heels. Drag....clunk drag...clunk. Aiden asked if he could wear the ace bandage on his foot since Elliott had the super cool boot (I mean, how unfair, right?) but I told him that people might start to wonder about me if I was carting around two kids with immobilized feet at the same time. 

This is our first experience with broken bones, and with two boys it probably won't be the last. I was relieved that the treatment was easier than expected, and I was also reminded that we should all think more like toddlers. I am not saying we should start throwing tantrums about having to wear a shirt (not that that happened). But Elliott never lets anything get him down. Life threw a broken bone his way and he thought, "Okay, let's see how I can work with this". Well, more likely he thought, "I want that truck and I am going to get it," and, "This heavy boot is excellent for stomping on things that get in my way. Like toes." Regardless, he didn't waste time feeling sorry for himself or letting a pesky broken bone get in his way. Often when we are out and about people will say, "Awww, what happened to his poor little foot?" as Elliott runs past them, laughing. He doesn't feel the least bit sorry for himself.Then again, maybe they just wish they had a cool boot. I know Aiden does.

As parents, we are always talking and thinking about the thing we teach our kids. After all, we are their first and best teachers. But what we may not often realize is that they can be our best teachers, too. Elliott sees the world through a completely un-jaded lens. I strive to do what comes naturally to him, to take what life throws at me, adapt to it, and run with it. But it's easy to get stuck in a rut. It's easy to feel like when it rains it pours and not be able to see the rainbow. We all struggle with this. My children constantly teach me to live today, to splash in the muddy puddles and worry about cleaning up later. They constantly teach me things I don't know for lack of paying attention. Things like: grasshoppers make cool pets, a baby bunny hopping through the yard never gets less exciting, you never know when you might be recruited for an a capella career, so practice often, and road construction can be cool. Today I am trying to be more like Elliott (again minus the tantrums and toilet aversion). When we were at the pet store this morning he caught sight of some mice running around  and around in their wheel. He stopped at the glass tank to watch, and was soon in hysterics over their antics. I suppressed the urge to tell him to come on, and squatted down to watch with him. Two mice were running their hearts out in this metal wheel while one free loader clung to the metal rungs and held on while he was spun upside down. It was pretty amusing. What was I in a hurry for anyway? On the drive back we ran into a traffic jam due to a lane being closed on a major road. A road that I had taken to avoid the construction on another major road, incidentally. I thought, "Fuck this fucking construction!" Yes, that's how I talk in my own head. Out loud I said, "Look at the dump trucks Elliott? Isn't that cool?" Elliott was way ahead of me, his eyes glued to the machines doing who knows what to the road. He made sure to say hi to all the trucks and tell them to have a nice day. Finally, when we came home for lunch I decided to sit at the table while Elliott ate his grilled cheese sandwich and chicken (because he couldn't decide on just one) and read him the book he had asked me to read instead of rushing to clean up the dishes (really, where are they going?).

Of course, I can only strive to think like a toddler. Unfortunately we adults have been jaded by life. Sometimes it takes a little person to teach us that we can take what life throws at us. And that accountants aren't medical professionals. 

Elliott rockin his groovy boot

The Confident College-Bound Kid And The Worried Parent

In just a day and a half, I will be getting on a plane with my son to drop him off at college some 1300 miles away, for a six-week summer program he must complete in order to attend the university in the fall. While I had every faith that I had prepared him for the world outside his comfortable bubble, some things have popped up making me think otherwise.

I have always prided myself on not being an overly suffocating parent. I have allowed my kids to dabble in danger in order to learn. For example, when they were little, I let them run on the concrete and get boo-boos so they would know to move it to the grass next time. I allowed them to experience a slight sunburn (because they rarely listen to me when I nag and nag about putting on sunscreen) so they would remember that it hurts when they don't apply sunscreen, and I have let them eat junk food all day knowing they would  pay the consequences later when their stomach began to turn on them. I would never allow them to be severely harmed, that would be child abuse. But I do allow just enough leeway for them to be warned from their own poor decisions. It's the way we learn best; trial and error. Just like the day I told my son (when he was around five or six), not to touch the cactus because, even though it looks like soft hairs, it will hurt you. Well, of course, he just had to touch it and, of course, he had about twenty tiny needles stuck in his fingers. Did he ever touch another cactus again? Nope! He learned!

There are other things I have tried to let my children learn the hard way, because, sometimes, no amount of explaining or nagging will change a child's behavior. Sometimes, kids have to experience failure in order to learn how the world works, like letting them fail a test because they thought it was more important to play video games than to study, or missing an important event because they didn't complete homework assignments. As much as I dislike watching my children struggle or fail, there really is no better teacher.

So, now I bring you back to my son, who is leaving for college. I have taught him how to cook basic meals and wash his laundry (although I have given up on him folding it!) along with a list of other life survival skills. Ha! I thought - he's going to be sooo ready when he moves away.

But then, while he was filling out his graduation thank you cards (his handwriting looks worse than a second graders - so for those who receive them, I'm sorry!), he asked me this: "Mom, do I need to put a postage stamp on the cards I mail inside California?" WHAT?! Did he really just ask me that question? How could it be, at 18, he doesn't know if he needs a postage stamp? And then, I wondered... what the hell else doesn't he know?

I did a little research. I googled the question: what your child should know before going to college, and there were multiple pages of advice. I was really more curious about life skills, but there were also practical tips that kids should follow while they are at school as well. I have taken down some of the important findings just in case you are floating in the same boat as me.

1. Know how to do laundry: wash, dry and iron.

2. Know how to make at least basic meals. Make sure they know how to turn on a stove/oven and that it's important to clean up after themselves - seriously, some kids just don't know this!

3. Know how to manage money. Have them create a spending budget and show them how to balance a checkbook or keep track of their debit card online. Have them refrain from getting a credit card until they fully understand how to manage their money.

4. If they are taking their car, know how to do general maintenance and what the warning lights mean. They should also know how to change a tire and who to contact in case of an accident or a breakdown.

5. Know how to use public transportation. Make sure they are aware of what is available at school.

6. Know how to keep their room tidy. No one wants a messy roommate and keeping items put away makes finding them easier.

7. Know how to address professors and how to be courteous to all school employees.

8. Know how to take care of themselves if they are sick and know when it's time to seek medical attention.

9. Understand how college loans will affect them and if they are lucky to have a scholarship, have them take the scholarship seriously. It would suck if they lost it due to not knowing what is expected of them.

10. Know that their professors are not their parents.

11. Get up when the alarm goes off.

12. ALWAYS go to class.

13. Know how to manage stress.

14. Know how to balance school work with their social life. Without us nagging at them, they may struggle with this. It's easy to get caught up in the social aspect of college and neglect their studies.

15. Know how to keep themselves and their valuables safe.

16. Try new things, make new friends.

17. Go to as many networking events as possible - make connections.

18. Invest in your professors: get to know them on a personal level by dropping by during office hours for help or advice. This relationship can help when in need of recommendation letters.

19. Get an internship.

20. Learn how to write. Not just write, but write well.

21. Develop skills that are hard to get outside the university.

22. Learn more than just your major - expand your knowledge beyond your degree.

23. Stand strong in your morals and values.

24. Don't put anything on the internet that could harm your employment or social life. If you don't want your mom, significant other or employer to see it, then don't post it!

25. Put your napkin in your lap and, if it's a cloth napkin, don't blow your nose in it! (My husband did that at a fancy restaurant when we were dating and, at that point, I was wondering if he was raised by a pack of wolves!)

26. And not one of the lists I read said anything about how to use postage stamps! So, even though most correspondence is done via the internet these days, make sure they know how snail mail works!

27. (An add from a reader!) "Know when and how to ask for help." This applies to everything from school work, to physical and mental health, to financial situations. Kind of goes along with being willing to admit you don't necessarily know everything, which is probably difficult for invincible 18 year olds...

I was really hoping someone would give me a list of all the life skills kids should know that I take for granted as common knowledge, but in my search, I didn't find that magical list. I suppose, many of the things will be learned as he goes along, the way many of us did. And, there's always Google!

For all of those sending a child off to college this fall, I wish for you, a sense of peace among the chaos of doubt in your head. Did I do enough? Are they ready to go it alone? Can I let go? If you have gotten this far, then the answer is "yes". Confidence breeds confidence, and by showing them that you feel they are ready will help them feel they can take this next step toward independence. It's a tough world out there, but it's meant to be discovered. Allowing your child the freedom to discover is one of the biggest gifts you can give him/her. And, if they find they are not quite ready once they get there, they can always come home (although I have big plans for my son's room when he leaves - so that may not work out - just kidding!).

If you have additional advice, please share it! I, as well as the readers, could use it!

Good Intentions

I vaguely remember hearing the quote: "The path to Hell is paved with good intentions". Damn, I hope that's not true. I am filled with good intentions and exciting ideas, and grandiose visions of what I will accomplish. I usually start out strong, but invariably, life gets in the way and by the time I have a minute to get to my list, I am too fucking tired, it's ten P.M., and I am "just going to lie down for five minutes to rest my eyes". The next think I know the alarm is blaring. Yet, I really do have great expectations of myself, and even greater intentions. I will get the thank you cards out the week after the party. I will remember to call on all the birthdays, I will have empty hampers and full closets, I will do art projects and flashcards and engage in creative play and turn the electronics off.And the hardest one lately: I will keep up with my blog and write at least two posts a week.

It's not that I don't want to do those things (okay, I have never been intrinsically motivated to do laundry). Take this blog for example, while I am writing about writing. I love to write. I would say it feeds my soul if I said saccharine shit like that. I have been working on my first novel since my two and half year old was a newborn and I am maybe halfway through. I haven't written a word in weeks, although the ideas are going through my head. The same is true for this blog. I have started dozens of posts and I have dozens more in my head that I would love to just sit down and write, and I have every intention of doing so. I have great expectations but life gets in the way. Now before you cringe and close you laptop or put down your iPhone (unless your Julia and reading this in English class, in which case you should put down your iPhone young lady) I assure you my point is not to bemoan my busy life. Sure, I am as busy as the next person and my last few weeks have been a hamster wheel of birthday party planning and Vacation Bible School volunteering and setting up new cable services. While I am sometimes just too busy to get everything done, that's really not the problem. The problem is I often lack the focus to sit down and complete a task. I am the person who leaves the dryer open and half loaded with wet clothes and then remembers that I have to return a phone call. When I am making the phone call I will notice the dishes in the sink and start on those. Then the kids will start fighting so I will take them outside to get a change of scenery. When I am going to bed that night I will notice the laundry mildewing halfway into the dryer. By that time I am tired, so I will just rewash the whole load. Sorry, environmentalists.

I started this blog post six days ago. I am not exaggerating. But then my six year old wanted to show me the city he had build out of blocks and he wanted me to play with him.Then his brother started "wreaking the setup" so I had to break up a wrestling match and conduct a lecture on how we don't use our hands to express our feelings. By that time they wanted dinner, and Mom, is it ready yet? Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's clone cooked dinner while I was pushing plastic cars through a wooden city. Well, then the weekend came and my two year old who ironically had spent Friday afternoon in a children's gym (the only type of gym I frequent, incidentally) jumping and climbing,managed to fracture a bone in his foot by tripping on the kitchen floor. More on that story later, but the last few days have been spent largely in doctor's offices, and by the way, they don't move very urgently at urgent care.

Add all of this "excitement" to the fact that school is out and my writing time is as abundant as sleep for a new mom. And yet, I need to find a way to carve out time for it because it's my thing and we all need something that is ours, mom or not. I also need to make more time to do other things that I really want to do like calling friends. It's not because your not important, I promise. So what am I to do? Lower my expectations so I can meet them? Have myself tested for ADD? Get organized (ha!)? Stop putting off the things that are really important and fulfilling? The problem is that something is always being neglected. If I am writing then I am not engaging with my kids. If I am playing with my kids dinner is not getting cooked. Hence, my unrealistic attempts to do everything at once, which ends with nothing getting completed. This isn't my problem, it's everyone's problem. Yet I suspect I may struggle a bit more with focus and finding a balance, not to mention letting things go. I really do have the best of intentions, but unfortunately there are no effort grades. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mountain of birthday gifts on my dining room table from my six year old's birthday party last week. I need to help him write out thank you cards. Now where'd I put that list of who gave what? Maybe I'll look for it after I dewrinkle the clothes that have been in the dryer for the past two days...

Mom, How Do Dogs Have Sex?

Yes, that's right - that was the question my eleven year old asked me while at a nice dinner in Maui tonight. Now, I must admit, there was a little giggle in my throat and an "Oh my God, is she really asking me this question," moment in my brain, but it was a reasonable question I wasn't quite sure how to answer.

Just recently she was given "The Talk" at school regarding sex and becoming a woman. Her father and I had to go to an informational meeting where we were told how the talk would go and even some of the parents giggled as though they had never heard this information before. Even at this new age of sexual revolution, talking about sex is, for many, extremely uncomfortable. But, I realized as I tried to deal with this question at the table with my two older children present, (ages 16 & 18) that their dad and I must have done a decent job in discussing such topics since neither of them felt greatly uncomfortable with the question. As a matter of fact, they helped to facilitate the discussion, creating an open and friendly environment for my younger daughter to ask questions.

I was a little shocked at how much my older children knew, but I was also proud they felt comfortable enough around me and their dad to discuss such mature topics. Sex is a difficult topic to address with children. As adults, and as their parents, we would like them to believe that indeed, the stork did deliver them and that no shenanigans played out to create them. But, we all know that did not happen and we know, at some point, they will figure this out by either us (their parents), or by their friends (who probably have no idea how it all works, or way too much of an idea that your child will know vocabulary you don't even know).

I'm not here to lecture you on when to tell your child what, but I can tell you that being open about such questions and answering them honestly will create a relationship between you and your child where they feel safe. Not laughing at them, using correct terms for body parts or actions, and making sure they understand what you have told them all help to secure a positive interaction. Often times, parents make the mistake of pushing off such questions which only encourages a child to seek the answer somewhere else and, often times, the answer may be incorrect. As a parent, it's our duty to make sure our children are educated in every aspect of life, even for things we feel uncomfortable with.

So, do your research. It's never too early to educate yourself of what to tell your children and when. Each child is different, but each child should be equipped with the proper knowledge for their age. They should also be taught at a young age, what is appropriate and what is not. Protecting them at a young age against predators is also greatly important. The earlier we educate our children, the safer they will be.

And yes, I giggled a little when my eleven year old asked how dogs have sex, but I was also honest with her. Of course "that's gross," was the response, but she knows how it really works and I don't have to remember some made up explanation. Knowledge is indeed power - for all involved!

Best Laid Plans...

I'm not much of a planner. And, if I happen to make plans, I will wait until the very last possible moment to commit. I will drag my feet when planning a vacation, a party, a get-together with a friend or an activity with my children until I teeter on the edge of the commitment ledge. I suppose this is what you would call procrastinating, and yes, I do procrastinate. I jokingly call myself  Last Minute Lucy. Now, why would I do such a thing?! Why would I risk missing a good deal on a well planned vacation? Why would I stress myself out by planning a party a day or two before the event? Why do I often tell my kids "we'll see" when they ask to do something? Because, in my experience, best laid plans can often fall short of their target.

For example, let's take my sister-in-law's (Kat) visit last week. My son was graduating from high school so my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, Kat and two (adorable) nephews came to visit. Before Kat came, we discussed getting away to work on our blog, take some pictures and make future plans while sipping coffee uninterrupted. But...we never got a chance to steal away and carry out what we had planned. We had over a week to do this and yet, never had a chance to find an hour or two to get away and work. The night before they left, we stood around the kitchen island, too much beer in our system to make much sense, and wrote our "plans" on a scrap piece of paper. Not only could I not decipher what I wrote, but I also woke up with a nice hang-over and a sense of keen disappointment over not completing the one thing we planned on doing. Best laid plans...

Here's what the week looked like:

So, to starve off disappointment, I try not to plan. By not planning, I don't set up expectations that will most likely be dashed. I don't consider myself a negative person, however I do consider myself a realist. And, when you have kids, you have to be able to roll with the punches, expect the unexpected and be prepared to cancel plans because your family needs you - that is life. I prefer to be unencumbered by a gazillion planned commitments because sometimes life is just better when you allow it to be organic, to let it be without force. Some of my best memories are from when things didn't go exactly as planned.

I'm not saying that planning ahead should be ditched, I just think sometimes, being spontaneous allows for less disappointment and more unexpected fun. If we let our guard down a little, give up the crazy, over-scheduled life every once in a while, we will find a sense of freedom we need but rarely experience as responsible, committed adults.

And, if you must plan just remember: