The Confident College-Bound Kid And The Worried Parent

In just a day and a half, I will be getting on a plane with my son to drop him off at college some 1300 miles away, for a six-week summer program he must complete in order to attend the university in the fall. While I had every faith that I had prepared him for the world outside his comfortable bubble, some things have popped up making me think otherwise.

I have always prided myself on not being an overly suffocating parent. I have allowed my kids to dabble in danger in order to learn. For example, when they were little, I let them run on the concrete and get boo-boos so they would know to move it to the grass next time. I allowed them to experience a slight sunburn (because they rarely listen to me when I nag and nag about putting on sunscreen) so they would remember that it hurts when they don't apply sunscreen, and I have let them eat junk food all day knowing they would  pay the consequences later when their stomach began to turn on them. I would never allow them to be severely harmed, that would be child abuse. But I do allow just enough leeway for them to be warned from their own poor decisions. It's the way we learn best; trial and error. Just like the day I told my son (when he was around five or six), not to touch the cactus because, even though it looks like soft hairs, it will hurt you. Well, of course, he just had to touch it and, of course, he had about twenty tiny needles stuck in his fingers. Did he ever touch another cactus again? Nope! He learned!

There are other things I have tried to let my children learn the hard way, because, sometimes, no amount of explaining or nagging will change a child's behavior. Sometimes, kids have to experience failure in order to learn how the world works, like letting them fail a test because they thought it was more important to play video games than to study, or missing an important event because they didn't complete homework assignments. As much as I dislike watching my children struggle or fail, there really is no better teacher.

So, now I bring you back to my son, who is leaving for college. I have taught him how to cook basic meals and wash his laundry (although I have given up on him folding it!) along with a list of other life survival skills. Ha! I thought - he's going to be sooo ready when he moves away.

But then, while he was filling out his graduation thank you cards (his handwriting looks worse than a second graders - so for those who receive them, I'm sorry!), he asked me this: "Mom, do I need to put a postage stamp on the cards I mail inside California?" WHAT?! Did he really just ask me that question? How could it be, at 18, he doesn't know if he needs a postage stamp? And then, I wondered... what the hell else doesn't he know?

I did a little research. I googled the question: what your child should know before going to college, and there were multiple pages of advice. I was really more curious about life skills, but there were also practical tips that kids should follow while they are at school as well. I have taken down some of the important findings just in case you are floating in the same boat as me.

1. Know how to do laundry: wash, dry and iron.

2. Know how to make at least basic meals. Make sure they know how to turn on a stove/oven and that it's important to clean up after themselves - seriously, some kids just don't know this!

3. Know how to manage money. Have them create a spending budget and show them how to balance a checkbook or keep track of their debit card online. Have them refrain from getting a credit card until they fully understand how to manage their money.

4. If they are taking their car, know how to do general maintenance and what the warning lights mean. They should also know how to change a tire and who to contact in case of an accident or a breakdown.

5. Know how to use public transportation. Make sure they are aware of what is available at school.

6. Know how to keep their room tidy. No one wants a messy roommate and keeping items put away makes finding them easier.

7. Know how to address professors and how to be courteous to all school employees.

8. Know how to take care of themselves if they are sick and know when it's time to seek medical attention.

9. Understand how college loans will affect them and if they are lucky to have a scholarship, have them take the scholarship seriously. It would suck if they lost it due to not knowing what is expected of them.

10. Know that their professors are not their parents.

11. Get up when the alarm goes off.

12. ALWAYS go to class.

13. Know how to manage stress.

14. Know how to balance school work with their social life. Without us nagging at them, they may struggle with this. It's easy to get caught up in the social aspect of college and neglect their studies.

15. Know how to keep themselves and their valuables safe.

16. Try new things, make new friends.

17. Go to as many networking events as possible - make connections.

18. Invest in your professors: get to know them on a personal level by dropping by during office hours for help or advice. This relationship can help when in need of recommendation letters.

19. Get an internship.

20. Learn how to write. Not just write, but write well.

21. Develop skills that are hard to get outside the university.

22. Learn more than just your major - expand your knowledge beyond your degree.

23. Stand strong in your morals and values.

24. Don't put anything on the internet that could harm your employment or social life. If you don't want your mom, significant other or employer to see it, then don't post it!

25. Put your napkin in your lap and, if it's a cloth napkin, don't blow your nose in it! (My husband did that at a fancy restaurant when we were dating and, at that point, I was wondering if he was raised by a pack of wolves!)

26. And not one of the lists I read said anything about how to use postage stamps! So, even though most correspondence is done via the internet these days, make sure they know how snail mail works!

27. (An add from a reader!) "Know when and how to ask for help." This applies to everything from school work, to physical and mental health, to financial situations. Kind of goes along with being willing to admit you don't necessarily know everything, which is probably difficult for invincible 18 year olds...

I was really hoping someone would give me a list of all the life skills kids should know that I take for granted as common knowledge, but in my search, I didn't find that magical list. I suppose, many of the things will be learned as he goes along, the way many of us did. And, there's always Google!

For all of those sending a child off to college this fall, I wish for you, a sense of peace among the chaos of doubt in your head. Did I do enough? Are they ready to go it alone? Can I let go? If you have gotten this far, then the answer is "yes". Confidence breeds confidence, and by showing them that you feel they are ready will help them feel they can take this next step toward independence. It's a tough world out there, but it's meant to be discovered. Allowing your child the freedom to discover is one of the biggest gifts you can give him/her. And, if they find they are not quite ready once they get there, they can always come home (although I have big plans for my son's room when he leaves - so that may not work out - just kidding!).

If you have additional advice, please share it! I, as well as the readers, could use it!

Good Intentions

I vaguely remember hearing the quote: "The path to Hell is paved with good intentions". Damn, I hope that's not true. I am filled with good intentions and exciting ideas, and grandiose visions of what I will accomplish. I usually start out strong, but invariably, life gets in the way and by the time I have a minute to get to my list, I am too fucking tired, it's ten P.M., and I am "just going to lie down for five minutes to rest my eyes". The next think I know the alarm is blaring. Yet, I really do have great expectations of myself, and even greater intentions. I will get the thank you cards out the week after the party. I will remember to call on all the birthdays, I will have empty hampers and full closets, I will do art projects and flashcards and engage in creative play and turn the electronics off.And the hardest one lately: I will keep up with my blog and write at least two posts a week.

It's not that I don't want to do those things (okay, I have never been intrinsically motivated to do laundry). Take this blog for example, while I am writing about writing. I love to write. I would say it feeds my soul if I said saccharine shit like that. I have been working on my first novel since my two and half year old was a newborn and I am maybe halfway through. I haven't written a word in weeks, although the ideas are going through my head. The same is true for this blog. I have started dozens of posts and I have dozens more in my head that I would love to just sit down and write, and I have every intention of doing so. I have great expectations but life gets in the way. Now before you cringe and close you laptop or put down your iPhone (unless your Julia and reading this in English class, in which case you should put down your iPhone young lady) I assure you my point is not to bemoan my busy life. Sure, I am as busy as the next person and my last few weeks have been a hamster wheel of birthday party planning and Vacation Bible School volunteering and setting up new cable services. While I am sometimes just too busy to get everything done, that's really not the problem. The problem is I often lack the focus to sit down and complete a task. I am the person who leaves the dryer open and half loaded with wet clothes and then remembers that I have to return a phone call. When I am making the phone call I will notice the dishes in the sink and start on those. Then the kids will start fighting so I will take them outside to get a change of scenery. When I am going to bed that night I will notice the laundry mildewing halfway into the dryer. By that time I am tired, so I will just rewash the whole load. Sorry, environmentalists.

I started this blog post six days ago. I am not exaggerating. But then my six year old wanted to show me the city he had build out of blocks and he wanted me to play with him.Then his brother started "wreaking the setup" so I had to break up a wrestling match and conduct a lecture on how we don't use our hands to express our feelings. By that time they wanted dinner, and Mom, is it ready yet? Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's clone cooked dinner while I was pushing plastic cars through a wooden city. Well, then the weekend came and my two year old who ironically had spent Friday afternoon in a children's gym (the only type of gym I frequent, incidentally) jumping and climbing,managed to fracture a bone in his foot by tripping on the kitchen floor. More on that story later, but the last few days have been spent largely in doctor's offices, and by the way, they don't move very urgently at urgent care.

Add all of this "excitement" to the fact that school is out and my writing time is as abundant as sleep for a new mom. And yet, I need to find a way to carve out time for it because it's my thing and we all need something that is ours, mom or not. I also need to make more time to do other things that I really want to do like calling friends. It's not because your not important, I promise. So what am I to do? Lower my expectations so I can meet them? Have myself tested for ADD? Get organized (ha!)? Stop putting off the things that are really important and fulfilling? The problem is that something is always being neglected. If I am writing then I am not engaging with my kids. If I am playing with my kids dinner is not getting cooked. Hence, my unrealistic attempts to do everything at once, which ends with nothing getting completed. This isn't my problem, it's everyone's problem. Yet I suspect I may struggle a bit more with focus and finding a balance, not to mention letting things go. I really do have the best of intentions, but unfortunately there are no effort grades. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mountain of birthday gifts on my dining room table from my six year old's birthday party last week. I need to help him write out thank you cards. Now where'd I put that list of who gave what? Maybe I'll look for it after I dewrinkle the clothes that have been in the dryer for the past two days...

Mom, How Do Dogs Have Sex?

Yes, that's right - that was the question my eleven year old asked me while at a nice dinner in Maui tonight. Now, I must admit, there was a little giggle in my throat and an "Oh my God, is she really asking me this question," moment in my brain, but it was a reasonable question I wasn't quite sure how to answer.

Just recently she was given "The Talk" at school regarding sex and becoming a woman. Her father and I had to go to an informational meeting where we were told how the talk would go and even some of the parents giggled as though they had never heard this information before. Even at this new age of sexual revolution, talking about sex is, for many, extremely uncomfortable. But, I realized as I tried to deal with this question at the table with my two older children present, (ages 16 & 18) that their dad and I must have done a decent job in discussing such topics since neither of them felt greatly uncomfortable with the question. As a matter of fact, they helped to facilitate the discussion, creating an open and friendly environment for my younger daughter to ask questions.

I was a little shocked at how much my older children knew, but I was also proud they felt comfortable enough around me and their dad to discuss such mature topics. Sex is a difficult topic to address with children. As adults, and as their parents, we would like them to believe that indeed, the stork did deliver them and that no shenanigans played out to create them. But, we all know that did not happen and we know, at some point, they will figure this out by either us (their parents), or by their friends (who probably have no idea how it all works, or way too much of an idea that your child will know vocabulary you don't even know).

I'm not here to lecture you on when to tell your child what, but I can tell you that being open about such questions and answering them honestly will create a relationship between you and your child where they feel safe. Not laughing at them, using correct terms for body parts or actions, and making sure they understand what you have told them all help to secure a positive interaction. Often times, parents make the mistake of pushing off such questions which only encourages a child to seek the answer somewhere else and, often times, the answer may be incorrect. As a parent, it's our duty to make sure our children are educated in every aspect of life, even for things we feel uncomfortable with.

So, do your research. It's never too early to educate yourself of what to tell your children and when. Each child is different, but each child should be equipped with the proper knowledge for their age. They should also be taught at a young age, what is appropriate and what is not. Protecting them at a young age against predators is also greatly important. The earlier we educate our children, the safer they will be.

And yes, I giggled a little when my eleven year old asked how dogs have sex, but I was also honest with her. Of course "that's gross," was the response, but she knows how it really works and I don't have to remember some made up explanation. Knowledge is indeed power - for all involved!

Best Laid Plans...

I'm not much of a planner. And, if I happen to make plans, I will wait until the very last possible moment to commit. I will drag my feet when planning a vacation, a party, a get-together with a friend or an activity with my children until I teeter on the edge of the commitment ledge. I suppose this is what you would call procrastinating, and yes, I do procrastinate. I jokingly call myself  Last Minute Lucy. Now, why would I do such a thing?! Why would I risk missing a good deal on a well planned vacation? Why would I stress myself out by planning a party a day or two before the event? Why do I often tell my kids "we'll see" when they ask to do something? Because, in my experience, best laid plans can often fall short of their target.

For example, let's take my sister-in-law's (Kat) visit last week. My son was graduating from high school so my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, Kat and two (adorable) nephews came to visit. Before Kat came, we discussed getting away to work on our blog, take some pictures and make future plans while sipping coffee uninterrupted. But...we never got a chance to steal away and carry out what we had planned. We had over a week to do this and yet, never had a chance to find an hour or two to get away and work. The night before they left, we stood around the kitchen island, too much beer in our system to make much sense, and wrote our "plans" on a scrap piece of paper. Not only could I not decipher what I wrote, but I also woke up with a nice hang-over and a sense of keen disappointment over not completing the one thing we planned on doing. Best laid plans...

Here's what the week looked like:

So, to starve off disappointment, I try not to plan. By not planning, I don't set up expectations that will most likely be dashed. I don't consider myself a negative person, however I do consider myself a realist. And, when you have kids, you have to be able to roll with the punches, expect the unexpected and be prepared to cancel plans because your family needs you - that is life. I prefer to be unencumbered by a gazillion planned commitments because sometimes life is just better when you allow it to be organic, to let it be without force. Some of my best memories are from when things didn't go exactly as planned.

I'm not saying that planning ahead should be ditched, I just think sometimes, being spontaneous allows for less disappointment and more unexpected fun. If we let our guard down a little, give up the crazy, over-scheduled life every once in a while, we will find a sense of freedom we need but rarely experience as responsible, committed adults.

And, if you must plan just remember:

Enough With the Mom Labels, Already!

I feel that it's time to address a trend that I have been trying my damndest to ignore. In the sixties, seventies, and eighties kids played outside for hours unattended. This used to be called "life". Now it is called "free range parenting" and if you are in fact a free range parent you will either be seen as a strong confident mother who is fostering a sense of dependence in her children, or a lazy irresponsible borderline negligent parent depending on who you talk to.

Are you a tiger mother? Not the giant cat with strips. If you are a tiger mother you push your children to excel at all things. you are very strict, sometimes a harsh disciplinarian and you want your kids to be all they can be. You are either seen as a narcissistic killjoy or a vigilant hero depending on who you ask. 

Are you a helicopter parent? Do you literally hover over your kids at the play ground? Do you gasp every time they trip? Do you fear kidnappers are lurking around every corner? Do you worry about your children's safety? Are you typically within an arm's reach of your children? You are either a major buzzkill in need of a Xanax prescription or a responsible in tune parent depending on who is watching.

Are you a from the couch parent? I recently learned that this has nothing to do with actually sitting on a couch. I mean really, when is the last time your ass and couch met? I bet they wouldn't even recognize each other anymore. No, couch parenting is the philosophy of not running to your child's aide every time he or she needs something important like a fuzz removed from his sock. If you are a couch parent you tend to let siblings work out their differences with minimal intervention from you. You do not cook more than one dinner, and you ignore your children when they are entertaining themselves. If you are a couch parent you are either a lazy neanderthal or a ground breaking genius.

Are you the most modern parent of all? Are you a (GASP!) cell phone parent? Do you look at your phone while in the presence of your child? Has your child ever told you to stop reading your phone? have you ever pushed a swing and checked Facebook simultaneously? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are either a parent who has found a way to spend every moment with your kids while still staying connected to the world, or you are a checked out technology junkie in need of a detox program. Also, you are missing the magical moment of your child sliding down a slide. It may not happen again in the next five minutes.

We have all heard about the "mommy wars", a term that makes me cringe in and of its self because it sounds so unbearably patronizing. Truth be told, most of us have pretty strong convictions about what works for our own children/families, and not a whole lot of time left over to judge what works for the children/families of others. If you ask me, the concept of "mommy wars" is a little over blown. Since when did working/staying home, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, co sleeping/cry it out become so political? As if those issues weren't anxiety-inducing enough, now moms should fit into a specific parenting camp, and these labels can spark more debate than a campaign speech. 

Also, what is with all of these judgy open letters? Dear Mom On The iPhone, Dear Mom Who Yelled At Her Kid, Dear Mom Judging Me for My iPhone, Dear Helicopter Mom..... enough already! Aside from the fact that no such labels seem to exist for dads, since when is motherhood such a dichotomy? If you are like me you probably have a little bit of every mothering type in you. It reminds me of that old song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one. I play with my kids often but sometimes I need to do laundry, cook dinner, or take a mental break and troll other blogs. If they are arguing I offer some suggestions on how they can work it out and then I wait and see if they can. If my two year old is whimpering during the night I can tell the difference between a cry that requires instant attention and a cry that means he will settle himself back down. I don't hover at all; I encourage my kids to climb, get dirty, and explore. Unless we are in a crowded place, the pool, crossing the street, or at church. Then I require them to remain close to me. Usually, I feed them healthy organic balanced meals. Sometimes I feed them Chick Fil A nuggets and Dunking Donuts (but not at the same time - that would be a diaper change nightmare). My six year old was in under pants before two and a half; my almost two in a half year old finds the concept of doing his business outside of a diaper traumatic. I don't lean towards tough love or corporal punishment but both of my kids have received the occasionally swat on the hand for reaching for and outlet or hot oven. You get it. I am none of those moms listed above, and I am all of them - all rolled into one. Motherhood is confusing enough without having to chose a political party. As long as you are a loving mother you're okay in my book. Now, can we stop with the labels already?

"Bitch" - Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus:]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Summeritis - God help me!! Please!!

I thought that when I graduated from college, I was done. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about grades, tests, projects and homework ever again. But then, I had kids.

Yes, we are embarking on the last two weeks of school (for my high schoolers) and I think my head is going to explode. Not over their great willingness to study, to stay up late plowing through their textbooks or going over old quizzes and tests while referring to their notebooks filled with pages upon pages of notes they have taken diligently during the semester - no, of course not. That would be too logical, too mainstream. No, my head is going to explode over their summeritis that seems to have infiltrated their bloodstream and has taken over their bodies and their brains leaving them almost incapable of studying for longer than fifteen minutes at a stretch.

What recourse do I have but to sit their asses down at the dining room table and force them to study? All the while, I sit (or my husband) with them to make sure they are really studying and not texting or doing random shit on their computer or Ipad? So now, I am a prisoner in my own home, at my own dining room table for the next two weeks - fantastic!

I looked up how to survive Summeritis and there is nothing! Can you believe, with all that's on the web, there is not one helpful piece of advice for this temporary yet very real phenomenon? I need someone to throw me a rope, keep me from sinking into the "I'll suck you down to the depths of hell" quicksand! Of course, since there is no manual on how to survive this, I thought I would strum up some advice of my own, are you ready?

1. Make sure your house is fully stocked with your favorite libations.

2. Drink libations until you don't care anymore. Drink until you start to think that the idea of your child living at home for the rest of their lives seems suddenly appealing to you. After all, when you are old, you will now have someone to wipe your behind, take out the garbage and pluck those hideous thick gray whiskers from your chin.

3. Keep drinking. Because if you begin to sober up, you will feel like crap and now you will care, but your head will hurt too much to do anything about it!

Seriously, there's really no other cure for summeritis than summer itself. If you're not into drinking yourself into oblivion, here are some more sound ideas:

1. Have your son/daughter get organized.
2. Have a place in your home where quiet, uninterrupted studying can happen.
3. Take scheduled study breaks.
4. Make time to do something fun, take the stress off.
5. Create incentives.
6. Provide plenty of yummy snacks and drinks.
7. Encourage a good night's sleep.
8. Find time to laugh.
9. If you're religious, pray!

And then, when summer is finally here, CELEBRATE! Until, until..... you get that damn summer work packet! And then, let the nagging begin AGAIN!!!!

Good luck everyone! And if your kids are already done, you're one lucky son of a gun!

A Letter To My Birth Mother

After I read Kat's amazing letter to her mother (my mother-in-law), not only was I impressed with her memory ('cause I can't seem to remember yesterday let alone, all the specifics of childhood), but I was also touched by her sentiment and the truth that, we learn how hard it is to be a parent once we become one ourselves. I have a lot to say on this but, the purpose of this post is to thank someone, who never gets thanked on Mother's Day for the selfless decision she made over forty-seven years ago.

To My Birth Mother,

Not a day goes by that I don't give you a silent thought, a 'thank you', for your selfless decision to carry me for nine months and give me away to a family you never met. Because, for me, I know I wouldn't be here today if you would have made a different decision.

Even with abortion being illegal at the time, I know you had resources that would have allowed you to easily dispose of me, yet you didn't. Whatever the reason, I am humbled by your decision to carry me, nurture me, feel me move inside of you, go through the pain of labor and then hand me over to a couple who wanted me so desperately. By your selfless act, you fulfilled the dreams of a couple who wanted a sibling for their daughter, but couldn't give her one naturally. You gave a little girl a sister who she prayed for night after night. You allowed me, a tiny insignificant being, to be significant, to be someone people would love and be loved by. By giving me life, you allowed my children (your grandchildren) to come into this world - without your selfless decision, they would not be here today, nor would their future children or grandchildren.

Your selfless act created a ripple effect that will continue to grow well after we both cease to exist on this planet. Everything I do, my children do, their children do, is because of you. You may have thought of your pregnancy with me as a big mistake, but I think of it as God's ultimate test of your commitment to life and of your strength, not only in pure will, but also in character. It takes an incredibly strong person to do what you did. Because of you, I have a love for God that exceeds any formal teachings from a church. My love is embedded in the knowledge that He trusted you enough to carry me and do what was right by me.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Thank you for giving me life, thank you for creating endless possibilities for me, thank you for not taking the easy way out, thank you for thinking of more than yourself, thank you for your incredibly selfless act and thank you for teaching me how precious and important life really is. I am, and always will be grateful for you! Happy Mother's Day!

Love,
Your daughter,
Jan