Thursday, February 19, 2015

Federal Prison Vacation - I'll Take One Please!

Kat is so good at random thoughts – me? Not so much. But I was sitting on the crapper, and random thoughts just seemed to stream through my brain. Yes, women sit on the crapper. As a matter of fact, we make a lot of decisions on the crapper because it’s the one true place in the house that we can find the most peace (although, my kids do find me occasionally, and even my husband, and ask what I’m doing or when I’m going to come out or just tell me something through the door because they think it’s just that important). 

Anyway, in my crapper office, I was thinking of that Teresa housewife who’s spending 15 months in a federal prison for some lovely white collar crime she and her husband committed – fraud I believe. She was sentenced to a minimum security prison which, I believe, is the equivalent of boarding school. Now, what I’m thinking is that this is a pretty good deal and here is why. First off, she gets three meals a day (that she doesn’t have to cook). I don’t know about you, but having to cook every day for a family of five gets exhausting. Not only does she not have to cook, she doesn’t have to clean her house (well, she probably never had to clean her house but I do!), juggle the kids, or deal with her husband (he seems like a putz). She has 15 months to work out, contemplate life, write her next book (that she will make millions off of the minute she leaves the facility), do crafts, participate in sports, play board games, cards, puzzles, billiards, experiment with music and watch movies. It sounds like a mighty fine country club for tired moms if ya ask me. I'd even take some solitary confinement with padded walls for some added pleasure. She gets almost free health care ($2.00 co-pay), dental care, therapy, educational classes and the like. ALL FOR FREE! Hot damn! I think I should go do me some white collar crime – I’m in need of a mommy sabbatical! Okay, I will admit that it would suck to miss 15 months of my kids growing up – as much as they exhaust me, I would miss them. And I would miss my husband (because he’s pretty damn cool). But, putting those two things aside, it sounds like a fantabulous vacation, minus the nightly turn-down service and chocolate on the pillow.

Well, I’m not going to commit any crime, so don’t you worry about me. I will still continue to pay for my vacations while being a practicing upstanding, law-abiding citizen. But sometimes, in the chaotic tornado I am sometimes sucked into, I think “Man, that Teresa woman – she’s got a good thing going.”

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