Friday, April 17, 2015

Funny Friday: A Laugh At My Expense

You know that old saying, "If I don't laugh I'll cry?" Well, I have always believed that lauging at yourself is key to survival or at least not ending up in a locked ward somewhere. Although, this morning that sounds like a legitimate possibility. When you are a mom laughing at yourself and the messes and mishaps of everyday life when you really feel like sitting down in a puddle of milk in your flannel pajamas and crying is sometimes easier said than done, but even more important. I think it's even better to make other people laugh so I am going to give you a window into the mishaps of my morning, none of which were life altering, noteworthy, or even very funny, but all of which happened before 10:00 A.M. I hope you can have a laugh. At least the weekend is upon us. Which incidentally means nothing when you have young kids. So, here it goes:

6:30 A.M.: My two year old woke up and requested PAW Trol. When asked if he wanted to eat breakfast he replied, "Not To-day".

7:00 A.M.: My husband asked if I could make him lunch. I mumbled something affirmative from under my comforter.

7:30 A.M. : I threw my leftover Chick Fil A chicken wrap, some chips, and one of the kids' Trader Joe's apple bars into a Target bag and called it, "Making lunch for my husband". Then I silenced my guilt by making him a smoothie.

7:40 A.M. I tripped over the cat and shouted, "Goshdarnsonofagun".

7:41 A.M.: I fed the cat.

7:42 A.M.: My two years old drove his school bus into the cat's food bowl. I told him to leave said cat alone. He grabbed the cat and began hugging her. The cat gave me a "why can't you control your child" look.

7:50 A.M.: I placed my toddler in his high chair to which he promptly responded, "No cheerios. I want pay school bus." The cat also decided that her breakfast was unsatisfactory and began circling my legs begging for something better.

7:52 A.M.: I tripped over the ungrateful circling cat trying to get my equally ungrateful toddler breakfast that was not cheerios.

7:55 A.M.: As I was sidestepping the cat and reaching for the rice milk in the door of the refrigerator, I knocked over the value size jar of Walmart olives and the juice leaked. I took the door insert out and placed it in the sink along with it's contents: Three different types of milk, hot sauce, soy sauce, ketchup, and one blueberry wheat beer.

8:00 A.M.: Friday is Dad's day to do kindergarten drop off. My husband returned from dropping Aiden at school, grabbed his carefully handcrafted lunch and smoothie, and left for work. Lucky bastard.

8:02 A.M.: Elliott threw his container of blueberries on the floor and then began screaming about the fact that his blueberries were on the floor.

8:03 A.M.: I retrieved him from his high chair and corralled the blueberries.

8:05 A.M.: I dug pants and a shirt out of the dryer where they have been for two days and got Elliott dressed. He told me to "go away". I thought, "Can I really?"

8:10 A.M.: I cleaned up breakfast and began washing the shelf insert. I then had to break up a heated debate between Eliott and a toy garbage truck.

8:15 A.M.: I replaced the clean shelf and its contents to the refrigerator. The shelf promptly broke and three diferrent types of milk, various condiments, and one blueberry wheat beer crashed to the kitchen floor. You can't make this shit up.

8:17 A.M.: After stupidly surveying the mess for two minutes, I began to clean up. Both the milk and beer had opened just enough to begin leaking onto the kitchen floor.

8:23 A.M.: I managed to clean the beer/milk mixture off of the floor and I began trying to find a new home in the refrigerator for the orphaned items.

8:30 A.M. I contemplated whether a beer opening itself was a phophetic message that it is okay to drink a beer at 8:30 A.M.

8:35 A.M.: I took the recycling out in my very attractive flannel pajamas. Surprisingly none of my neighbors ran out and asked me to be on that disturbing show, "Neighbors With Benefits".

8:40 A.M. I got distracted from cleaning the kitchen by writing this blog post.

8:41 A.M.: I got distracted from writing this blog post by a phone call. I began to sweep the floor while talking on the phone.

8:47 A.M.: I got back to typing. My two year old began climbing on me attempting to "help" me type.

8:50 A.M. I had another phone call, and then began looking up homeschool electives online.

9:00 A.M.: I decided to get dressed and attempted to find jeans without a hole in the knee from crawling around on the floor with the kids. My search was fruitless, so I chose the pair of jeans with the smallest hole.

9:10 A.M.: I realized that the laundry situation had become dire, so I put in a new load and began folding the clothes from the dryer.

9:14 A.M.: Ellott began climbing on the kitchen chairs. I distracted him with crackers.

9:15 A.M.: I got back to folding laundry. Elliott began grinding crackers into the coffee table. I cleaned the mess up and threatened to take the crackers away if any further smashing occured.

9:16 A.M.: Elliott began feeding crackers to the garbage truck. Apparently the two had settled their differences.

9:25 A.M.: I successfully put the laundry away and noticed Elliott's toothbrush in his room. I remembered that I hadn't brushed his teeth.

9:30 A.M.: I retrieved Elliott from the bathroom where he was playing in the sink. He happily announced: "I make bubbles, Mama!".

9:32 A.M.: I brushed Elliott's teeth. Okay, fine, I put toothpaste on the brush and handed it to him, hoping he would hit most of his teeth. See, I am fostering self sufficiency. Besides, I had a blog post to finish.

9:35 A.M.: I returned to the kitchen to finish typing and noticed a hairball under the table. I cleaned said hairball and considered putting my cats and two year old in a box labeled, "Free To A Good Home".

9:40 A.M.: I got distracted by an email from Monster Job Search. I have no idea why I am still on their email list. Usually I just delete them but today I decided to have a look, just for shits and giggles. I considered applying for the Afflac Benefits Sales Consultant position. I think I would make a good sales consultant. I spend 70 percent of my days trying to convince people to do things. I realized "Cleaning up hairballs while arguing with a two year old" wouldn't look very impressive on a resume.

9:45 A.M.: I realize that I have two cats and only fed one. I feed the other one. Elliott puts his Thomas train inside his school bus and then gets mad that his Thomas train is inside the school bus.

9:50 A.M.: Elliott begins screaming, "Help, Mama, help!". I rescue Thomas from the school bus. I check Monster to see if their is a job opening for an emergency rescue worker. I figure I am qualified now.

10:00: I realize that I am not actually looking for a job and sit down to write my blog post. I feel guilty for keeping Elliott inside on this beautiful morning. I decided it is time to wrap up.

That's my morning in a nut shell. All in all, I think it went pretty smoothly, comparatively speaking.  I wonder if that foaming beer in the sink will still be good at a socially acceptable time...

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