The Bittersweet Sound Of Silence: Sleep-away Camp

Ahhh, the kids are at camp, for two whole, glorious weeks! There is no morning breakfast mess lingering in the kitchen, no shoes to trip over on the tile floor, no television blaring or the onslaught of, "Can we go to the beach? Can my friend come over to play all day and then sleep over? Can you take me to Starbucks?" or, "What's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?" Instead, I hear the occasional sigh from my dog, the chime of my phone or the clunk of the house as it expands during the heat of the day. But mostly, it's silence.

It's most parent's dream--to have a summer sabbatical from their job. Especially if that job entails the full-time daily rearing of their children. Even planning a family summer vacation can have you questioning if the money spent is worth it considering stay-at-home parents take their work with them.We love them, we really do. But if you spend the majority of your time with your children, they can become like a grater on your nerves; the constant back and forth motion peels away your tough skin and leaves you a little raw, a little less tolerant and a little less of the mother (or father) you want to be.

It's hard to send your kids away. Some parents struggle more than others and for many different reasons. I, on the other hand, don't struggle at all. Am I heartless? Do I not love my kids as much as other parents? Am I selfish? No, of course not! I think I'm the opposite and here's why:

1. You may not think so, but kids need time apart from their parents. Yep, they really do! And the more positive the experience they have while apart from their parents, the more likely they are to become successful, independent adults. Kicking a child out of the nest and forcing them to expand their wings will only allow them to fly more confidently when they need to leave.

Too often, I have seen children coddled to the point where the child never learns to do things on their own. Kids go off to college only to come home after the first semester because they don't know how to live on their own. They have never been taught how to forge their own friendships, sleep in new places (without anyone to tuck them in), make their own food choices, or explore who they are as their own, individual person. One can't expect their child to be socially successful away from home if they were never given the tools and opportunities before they start their new journey. Think about it: you wouldn't go on a long, grueling hike without a backpack of supplies. Not only would you bring a backpack of supplies, but you would also make sure you knew how to use the supplies within it. What use are they to you if you don't know how they work? Dying of thirst but don't know how to use the water filter? Hungry, but don't know how to light the stove? Survival is not just about food and water. Survival is about being resourceful, building on past experiences, pushing through the tough stuff, embracing the victories, and knowing you can do it all on your own.

Away camp does this for my kids, as it does for many others. They learn invaluable life skills while they are away from the comforts of home. I am not breathing down their necks, telling them what their next move should be--they are doing it on their own and learning that they are capable of more than they imagined.

2. I love my kids. I have dedicated the last 19 years of my life to them and am proud of who they are becoming. But I don't want to be the only reason they are who they are. In addition to their awesome dad, we have given them unique opportunities to allow them to grow on their own. They were expat children for four years and lived in Seoul, South Korea and Beijing, China. They have learned tough lessons in friendship, what it's like to be a minority, how to communicate when you don't know the language, how to say goodbye, and how to embrace change. In addition, they were given opportunities through their schools to travel without Mom and Dad. They camped by the Great Wall, walked the 6660 steps of Tai'an and watched the sunrise, flew to Shanghai for a sports competition, and flew to Hong Kong to play in the school band at Disneyland. All of these were done without their parents and each time they came home, they beamed with delight as they told us about their adventures. Simply put, I love my kids so much that I want them to learn to be explorers without me holding their hands. I want them to want to leave home--not because they can't stand being with us, but because they are not afraid to take the next step because they already have the tools to go out into the world without crippling fear or a lack of confidence.

3. I'm not selfish, I'm realistic. Every now and then, I need to recharge and spend a little time focusing on myself and those things I neglect while I'm busy with the kids. Writing, reading, sleeping and spending uninterrupted time with my husband and friends often gets put on the back burner more often than it should. It's hard to balance it all, so time apart from the kids gives me the opportunity to just be ME. It also gives me time to miss my kids so when they come home, I can give them more of me for the little time I have left until they leave the nest for good.

There are so many away camps out there today that it would be surprising if you didn't find one to fit your child's interests. The camp my children go to offers dance, watersports, culinary, music, fashion, stunts, acting and more. There are camps specifically designed for kids with disabilities, kids with cancer or kids who have suffered a tragedy such as a death of a parent. There is something for everyone. The earlier you send your kids, the easier separation will be as they get older.

If you're not ready to send your child off to camp, but you want to start nudging them off the ledge, start with sleepovers with friends (make sure you know the parents well to lessen your anxiety as well as your child's) or go away for a weekend and have a grandparent or friend watch them. Separation, no matter how small, will foster your child's independence.

Yes, it's bittersweet with my kids gone because I love them and miss them, but I am also enjoying the silence. Not only can I hear the sigh of the dog or the shift of the house, I can also hear the beating of my heart that beats for my children--to want only the best for them.

The Psychology Behind the Blame Game

If you're a parent or simply someone old enough to be inundated with news, you know the details of the recent tragedies. With the TV, Internet, updates on our phones, social media, etc.twelve year old, it's impossible not to know. Ignorance is not an option. It's not as simple as not picking up a newspaper. You remember those thick bundles of black and white paper wrapped in cellophane and thrown on your twelve-year-old boy? Yeah, those things. If you didn't want to read it you could simply toss it, unopened into the recycling bin and move on with your life because let's face it, no news is good news.

Now I'm not saying we should be ignorant or uninformed. But we can't escape the news. It becomes interwoven in our conversations. Certain tragedies are so far beyond our comprehension, we become almost obsessed with them. The underlying current is consistent. "Can you imagine?" and of course as parents the one thought we can not think when we hear about a tragedy involving a child: "What if that had been my child?"

If we can't escape the news reports, we also can't escape the opinions. Fingers start pointing in all directions. We want justice! We want a scapegoat! We want a reason! What if there is no reason? What if it's no one's fault?

Now obviously in the mass shootings, someone pulled the trigger. It was someone's fault. Of course, that doesn't stop the political posturing. Gun control, government, and human rights come into play. This is as it should be, to some extent. If questions are not asked, issues not debated, we can't learn from tragedy and nothing changes. But that's another blog post for another day. I have neither the time nor the energy to get political. Psychology, though, that I can do.

Let's focus for a moment on the horrific tragedy of two-year-old Lane Graves, who was snatched by an alligator and drowned while splashing in a foot of water on the beach of Disney's Grand Floridian Resort. I won't rehash the details because I'm sure you know them. However, in the aftermath of this story on the heels of that of the little boy falling into a gorilla pit, the judgement has been flying. I have seen many articles, message boards, and blog posts asking, "But why the judgement? Why the pitchforks? Why blame instead of compassion?" Is is because we are at our core an evil, judgmental society? Do we truly live in a world of parent against parent? Let's face it, if we can't escape the news, we also can't escape the "mom wars". If parents can condemn each other for breastfeeding/not breastfeeding, public/private/home school, cloth or disposable, is the backlash so surprising when a child is injured or killed in a tragic accident?

I don't think it's surprising, but I also don't think the blame game is evil. It's salt in an open wound for sure, but it's human, and every one of us is guilty of playing it at one point or another. Why are people so quick to blame each other, and more specifically, why are parents so quick to condemn each other? I think I have an idea.

Let's go back to the terrifying question that bolts through the mind of a parent when the unthinkable happens: the loss of a child through a freak accident. "What if that had been my child?" Do me a favor; read that sentence again for me while thinking about the alligator dragging away a two-year-old boy.

"What if that had been my child?"

How did you feel? Pretty uncomfortable, right? Perhaps even terrified. This thought fills a parent with the worst kind of dread, because what is every parent's worst fear? We are human. We shy away from uncomfortable thoughts. On the heels of this thought, it is comforting to shake our heads and think, "No. No way. It couldn't have been my child. I would never let that happen to my child." Is this a selfish thought? A little narcissistic? Maybe. I would argue that it's also incredibly human.

Let's deconstruct this sentence. "It couldn't have been my child." This won't happen to me. I am safe. I would never survive what those parents are going through. Don't worry, it couldn't happen to me, to my child. "I would never let that happen to my child." I have control over my children's safety. If those parents could have prevented their child from dying in a freak accident, then I could prevent it too. I can prevent it. As long as I am a vigilant parent, no freak accident will take my child at a moment's notice while I watch helplessly.

"Where were the parents?" We know in this situation, they were right there. The father was within grabbing distance. But you see, as human beings, (especially once we become responsible for and completely in love with another human life) we don't like to be reminded how little control we really have. We can't imagine the horror of losing a child in the blink of an eye, so we don't. We tell ourselves it couldn't happen, not to us. We would prevent it, stop it, save our child. We know different, and that's what keeps us up at night. We know that those parents would have saved their child if they could have. We know they took their children to the most magical place on earth, gave them a special treat of staying up late and watching a movie on the beach and let their toddler get his hot, sandy feet wet, never once thinking they'd leave the beach without him, just like any of us might have done.

My friend and her family were in Orlando at the time at a different Disney resort. Like many families, they visited the Floridian, but when they got there, the pools were closed. I asked her about the beach, and she said they had a small sign that said No Swimming. She also said that that they had a play area on the shore. She said she would have easily taken her girls on the beach and let them cool their feet in the water. She's a good mom; a responsible mom. She would have easily taken her girls to put their feet in the water. The truth is, it could have been her child.

Not to beat the dead horse of the gorilla story, but my first thought was, "Not again! Haven't we learned anything from Brookfield Zoo? I would make sure my kids weren't climbing in there." Because I have control. Two days later, my self-righteous ignorance was knocked right out of my brain when I lost my three-year-old in Party City in the 2.5 seconds it took me to turn and put green paper plates into my cart. I turned back and he wasn't standing next to the cart. He wasn't in the next aisle or the next or the next. I panicked. I called, I searched. I promised that I would never think, "not my child" again. By the grace of God, he wasn't kidnapped, and he didn't run out the door into the parking lot. He was standing in the middle of an aisle, staring up at a turnstile display of party favors, mesmerized by the twenty-five cent wind up cars.  My child.

We've been to Florida many times. My kids have collected sea shells on the beach in Estero. We've walked along the shore after a long day of traveling and a fried dinner. It could have been my child. It could have been your child.

So who can we blame? Disney for not foreseeing the event and giving more specific warnings? The alligator for mistaking the boy for prey or for now knowing that it was in a man made lagoon meant for travelers?  What if we don't blame anyone? What if it were a freak act of nature no one would have reasonably predicted? That's uncomfortable, though. When something despairing happens, we want a chain of events. We want a reason to help us make sense of it.

If I've learned one thing after pregnancy loss it's this: sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes no one did anything to cause it and no one could have reasonably done anything to prevent it (at least not without being able to see into the future). You know that phrase, "everything happens for a reason?" I call bullshit. Sometimes things just happen. Accepting that may be uncomfortable at first, but we have to give up the "it would never happen to me" mentality. Trust me on this, it is ultimately comforting to learn that we can't control everything. Sometimes things just happen. Good things. Mundane things. Terrible things.

It could have been my child.

It could have been your child.

It was someone's child. Someone not much different from you or me.

So let's swallow that and move on with our hearts a little heavier. We know the parents can't possibly recover. But maybe they can slowly accept that there's no one to blame. Maybe they can slowly learn to live through the "what ifs" and "if onlys." Let's keep all victims of tragedy in our thoughts and (if you're a person of faith) prayers. To blame is human. To accept the randomness of some events, to sit with our lack of control, well that's a journey. A journey that hopefully leads to faith, acceptance, and compassion.

What I Learned From My Foreign Exchange Student

It was that email, the one I tried to avoid, but it came anyway. "Dear Mrs. Steele, please consider hosting another exchange student (we are desperate!!)." It was followed by an email from my daughter, "Mommy, they are getting more students, can we have one?!" Of course, my initial response was NO! We had already hosted a student in November and December (one of the busiest times of the year) and now I had a full plate of events coming up - how could I possibly have time to host another student?

I had to do some soul searching. Having an exchange student means more than just supplying a bed and meals. It means showing them the sites, paying for the majority of their experiences, cooking more than usual and not being able to be a slug and telling my kids to eat cereal for dinner because I'm tired of cooking. I mean, I wouldn't want the student to see how I actually run the household, that would be embarrassing! But, I didn't want the student to be sent to a family who wouldn't go the extra mile, who wouldn't show them our wonderful city,  and who wouldn't look at the experience as something they could learn from as well. So, I said YES.

Our exchange program is unique in the sense that there are no guidelines and no expectations. These students come from my daughter's sister school in France, and their primary goal is to be immersed in the English language. Of course, they are coming to one of the best cities to visit, San Diego. We have a multitude of things to see and experience here, and I can't imagine sending them home without experiencing a good majority of it. Before our student arrived, I was already trying to figure out how we were going to fit everything in. My youngest was in a musical with tech week and two weekends of shows, I was flying up to move my son home from college, my middle child was preparing for the ACT and focusing on the last two months of her junior year, my husband and I had weekend plans for two of those weekends she would be with us. How in the world would I make it work?

Somehow, even with our crazy schedule, we did make it work. But what was more eye-opening to me was how much I enjoyed having this student during this crazy time. I can get caught up in the whirlwind of our busy life, never coming up for air, never taking in what I am actually doing because I keep thinking that I just need to get through it and survive. But this time, our student had me seeing things through different eyes.

Our student comes from a small city three hours from Paris. They don't have Starbucks (what place doesn't have Starbucks?), malls, large grocery stores, grand sized cinemas or a never-ending supply of restaurants offering cuisine from all over the world. Just seeing our student's excitement over the smallest things was, at first, amusing and then caused me to reflect on how lucky we truly are. The first day, when I picked her up from school, I asked her how her day was and she said, with wide eyes and an animated smile, "So fun! School here is so fun!" I think you could have picked my kid's jaws up off the floor because they would never describe school as fun. Every time we took her to something we thought as standard and ordinary, she would think it was extraordinary. After a while, her excitement became infectious, and I found myself looking at all those things I took for granted as marvels, pure blessings.

It has been five years since we moved back from living in Asia. When we first moved home, I loved to visit the grocery store and enjoy the multitude of choices down each aisle. I enjoyed the ease of getting what I needed whenever I needed it, being able to order food or drinks in my native language and not worrying about the water I drank or the food I ate. I appreciated the palm trees, the roar of the waves, the painted sunsets and the clean air. But, like all things, after a while it's just expected, and we often forget how wonderful all those things truly are.

Our student has taught me to appreciate these simple pleasures again. Even in the busiest of schedules, I realized how lucky I am to have what I have. Too often I find myself saying, "I just can't wait until this is over with," instead of embracing each moment and learning something from it. Granted, there are those things that we endure and really just want to get over with like colonoscopies or mammograms, but there are also those events that seem invasive and exhausting yet hold invaluable lessons and hidden appreciation.

As we embark on summer vacation, I encourage you to take in the things you have often taken for granted and see how remarkable they truly are. Try to see things from a different perspective; put yourself in someone else's shoes and experience it. I guarantee, you will start to see the ordinary become extraordinary, and you will cherish it more. Whether it's struggling to stay sane while your children are home from school or getting yourself through another menial week of work, know that the childless and the jobless envy you. We have a lot to learn from the simplest of blessings.

You Told My Child What?!

It's amazing how hard parents work to build self-esteem in their children. For every time they boost their child's self-esteem there is at least someone or something that pulls it down - as though they are on a see-saw, going up and down, up and down on a ride deemed as dangerous. Ever been on a see-saw when the person on the other end jumps off and causes you to plummet to the ground? My sister broke her collar bone when someone did that to her, she was lucky. On the self-esteem see-saw, the damage could be far greater; its damage permanent.

We have been dealing with a lot of crap in our household lately, mostly school related, which seems to create all kinds of emotional baggage. The cyber-bullying incident ranked up there with the amount of shit it created in its wake. But as we worked to clean up that mess, another one appeared that had me furious and frustrated.

My oldest daughter is a junior in high school and is actively researching colleges, taking ACT and SAT exams and beginning to fill out college applications. Unlike my son, who didn't bother to do any of this until the last semester of his senior year, my daughter has been very proactive in her search for the right school for her. She has already visited four universities, one of which is her top school. Unfortunately for her, her top school is what they call a "reach" school which means, it is going to be really hard to get into due to GPA/test requirements. She knows this is a reach school and because of this, she has made sure she checks out and applies to other schools that she would not have trouble being accepted to. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't want in a university and she knows she doesn't want to go to a junior college. Compared to many juniors out there, she is much further ahead in this process.

That being said, a few weeks ago, she went in to talk to a guidance counselor about college planning. I can only imagine how excited she was to have this opportunity to discuss what she has spent countless hours working on. But the excitement was short-lived as the guidance counselor told her flat out, she would not get into her top school. He didn't say "it's highly unlikely" or "it's a stretch". What he said was, "you're not going to get in and here's why," followed by a list of stats on the last three years of admissions for that particular school. Not only did he slam the door in her face, he also locked it.

Now, I am a realistic parent. I don't sell my kids shit they will never be able to buy. I don't tell them they are great at something if, in fact, they suck at it. I tell them the truth. When they do something well, they know my compliment it genuine - that's just how I roll. Watching American Idol auditions had me cringing when parents would say what an amazing singer their child was when the child couldn't even carry a tune. I'm not one of those. So, I'm not going to build my daughter up and tell her she's going to get into a college that requires a higher GPA/testing scores, but I am not going to close the door and lock it either. Why not shut the door and lock it and tell her to move on? First of all, in a case like this, there is room for hope. Not all schools today are so cut and dry with their admissions, especially if a student exhibits other qualities that set them apart from those with higher scores. Second, squashing any hope of getting into their top school could have them giving up on the process and giving in rather than fighting to the end to increase his/her odds. And third, he/she may very well be the exact student they are looking for, regardless of the fact he/she may not check all the required boxes.

After my daughter met with the counselor (in the morning), I received a text from her that she wanted to go home. I knew this was an SOS since she never likes to miss school. I just happened to be at school for a presentation, so I went to the office and signed her out. She was an emotional mess and I was irate at this counselor for his insensitivity. I wanted to march into his office and ask him who the hell he thought he was - why he felt it was his job to dash dreams. But, I didn't. Instead, I took my daughter to get her nails done and then to lunch, all the while, talking her off the proverbial ledge and reminding her of the unexpected success stories of those who were told no and defied the odds. And yes, I also told her, if it's not meant to be, there must be a reason. Self-esteem is always hard to cultivate and grow in teens, especially girls, and one person with one thoughtless message can destroy it.

Once I calmed down, I did write the counselor an email, explaining the importance of the message he sends to the students he meets. I'm sure being a counselor is not an easy job, and I understand they see multiple students every day, but kids need a healthy balance of reality and hope in order for them to push through their insecurities - because, let's face it, kids are filled with insecurity. As a teacher by trade, I know how difficult it can be to foster a positive environment within the classroom, or any place where kids convene, all the time. Negative attitudes, inflated egos, and general teenage angst can create a calloused teacher, counselor or administrator over time. Why do you think teachers need the summer off?! But if you have taken a job in one of these positions, it is also your job to treat each student fairly, ridding yourself of any bias due to others you have encountered in the past. I have encountered too many jaded teachers and administrators recently and often find myself shaking my head, wondering why on earth they are still teaching or working within the school system if they can't stand the people they serve. It's appalling, really.

I don't mean to rant or give teachers and administrators a bad name - there are still countless great ones and we are blessed to have them teaching and guiding our children. It's just important to remember that each child responds differently in any given situation - no one student can truly be compared to another. The way their situations and needs are approached will either help or hinder the way they will view the world in the future. Who's to say the little boy or girl who sits quietly in the corner and who doesn't perform well on tests or school work isn't destined for something great? Shut the door on this child or prop it open and see if they walk through it? I certainly hope my children are surrounded by those who prop the door open and let them feel the breeze from the other side.

I want to give a special thank you to all those who love our children and have a true love for teaching and guiding them with a spirit that inspires them. Thank you to all those who don't build a roof over their potential and who go above and beyond to find the talents hidden within our children. Thank you to all those who never shut a door and lock it. You are the ones who make a difference - you are the ones who turn straw into gold!

Looking For A Book To Read?

If you are looking for a new book to read, check out my mentor, Tammy Greenwood's, new literary thriller, Where I Lost Her. It has received wonderful reviews and is being called a "page turner". I feel blessed to have her as my writing mentor and am humbled by the amount of time she dedicates to helping other writers learn the craft. Her words are always beautiful, true prose entwined with a heart-wrenching story. Happy Reading!

Cyber-Scary!

Last week I wrote about cyberbullying, never realizing how popular the subject would be. It's sad to think cyber bullying is the new form of passing notes yet on a scale larger than we can't even measure. The door the internet world has opened to our children far exceeds a parent's worst nightmares and here is why:

1. The door can never truly be shut. Unless you live in a secluded environment without any connection to electronics, your child will be exposed to the internet.

2. There are so many apps and internet sites that, no matter how vigilant you are, kids will find them.

3. Even if you think you know what your kids are up to, chances are they have found other ways to get around your diligent surveillance (chances are, there's an app for that!). Some kids will download an app on the way to school and delete it before they get home.

4. NOTHING is anonymous, and pretty much everything goes up into the cloud and can be retrieved.

5. Chances are, if your child has a phone or has social media accounts, they have already committed a crime they never knew was considered a crime.

6. Anything they do on social media can follow them for the rest of their lives.

7. Social media has been the cause of extreme emotional trauma, suicide, and murder.

Today I attended a wellness coffee chat about cyber safety at my daughter's high school. I had dismissed other presentations just like this one in the past because I thought it didn't apply to me - to my kids. My kids are good kids - they would never get wrapped up in inappropriate cyber use. Ha! De-Nile is not just a river in Egypt (as my husband would say). Never say never and don't assume your child is protected or too smart for such things. We can continually reinforce the appropriate use of the phone and internet until we are out of breath, but let's face it - kids want to fit in and belonging to groups whether on the internet or via apps, allows them to feel included.

I get it. Kids need social outlets, and being in physical proximity of others is not always an option. Apps and internet programs allow for them to "hang out" even if they are sitting in the comforts of their own homes or being transported from one activity to another. There is nothing wrong with keeping connected - it's their new "normal" and the wave of the future. But how they use this technology is what we need to be concerned about.

I can give you statistics on phone and internet use and you would nod your head in agreement with the high percentage of time kids spend on social media. You see it with your own kids, eyes glued to their phones, rarely coming up for air. You may check to see what apps they are on, ask who they are texting, scroll through their chat feeds and feel pretty confident you have a handle on what they are being exposed to, but did you know that many, if not most, kids have secret accounts you don't even know about? They keep the account you look at fairly clean while the secret account may be used to hide things they don't want you to see. Now, you may be asking: "What's the difference between the secret account and confiding in friends - either way I wouldn't know?" And here's the simple answer: their audience.

Instead of sharing photos or thoughts with a few (hopefully) trusted friends, they are sharing content to the masses allowing anyone to use the material in a positive or negative way. Make a comment about poor behavior at a school rally on your class Facebook page could (and did in my daughter's case) earn you the comment, "You're a Bitch." Post a picture of yourself on a site where anyone, not just your friends, can comment could earn you the comment "You're ugly, go kill yourself." Most apps and sites today allow for anonymous participation which only welcomes an opportunity for destructive play.

Is your child aware that anything they put on the internet or text on their phones can be retrieved? Just because they deleted something, or the app claims it disappears after a certain amount of time, doesn't mean it's really gone. They might not have the chat or picture on their phone but someone does, or it's in the cloud and can be retrieved. Years down the road, when they are applying for college or a job, these poor judgments can come back to haunt them and prevent them from getting into the college of their choice or landing that perfect job. Schools and employers look for people's footprints on the internet.

Here's another scary fact. If your child posts a picture of someone else without the person's consent, especially if it's used in a negative way, they can face severe consequences - something I didn't know. How many times have you seen pictures of people on Facebook who you don't know with some negative caption on it? We might find it extremely amusing, but it's criminal if the subject did not give consent to share the picture. Also, if your child is involved in a chat where negative, hurtful things are being said, they can get in serious trouble if they don't report it, even if your child didn't engage in the conversation. Simply being a bystander and not taking action, puts your child at risk. And if an inappropriate photo is sent to your child, even if they didn't ask for it, and it's not reported, they could face legal action because they are now in possession of illegal material, even if they delete it.

Another thing to worry about is what information apps share with others. Some apps will disclose your child's location (super scary huh?!) putting them at risk for crimes against them. Pedophiles and other opportunists use some of these apps to find their next fix. Kids tend to be too trusting and give out more information than they should, giving predators an open door to enter.

Now that I have scared the crap out of you, here's the good news: open communication with your child, a knowledge of the apps and websites kids use and an understanding of the laws and school policies can help protect your child. The internet has created a new age of parenting - both good and bad. It's great to be able to be able to reach our children when they are away from home, but it's much more difficult to protect them from a world they are not equipted to navigate quite yet. Kids are bound to do stupid things, but educating them on the consequences of the negative use of apps and the internet will help curb bad outcomes. If you can attend a local presentation on this topic, I highly encourage you to do so. If you can't or one is not offered, find reliable websites that update information frequently on apps and sites to watch for. In addition, go over your child's school policy and see if your local police department has a list of internet sites to flag as well as the laws regarding the illegal use of the internet and phone content. Seriously, it's eye opening at what has been deemed as illegal.

Here are apps and social media sites you should be aware of. Not all of these apps are bad but you should be aware of how they work and what information they share. The list will always be changing, but for now, this is what tweens/teens are using.

1. Instagram: a picture and messaging app. I believe this is the most popular app for kids right now and is not really flagged as a bad app but it can get your child into trouble if they post inappropriate pictures or engage in inappropriate chats.

2.Twitter: allows a short blurb or picture.

3. Snapchat: allows you to send pictures and short videos that "disappear" shortly after they are viewed. I am told this is pure evil because it gives the kids a sense that whatever they post will be gone forever giving them an opportunity to post inappropriate content.

4. Facebook: this seems to be waning with kids and is considered the social media site for old people.

5. Periscope: allows for live streaming right from their phone. When they begin recording, anyone with the app can watch it live. It also gives your child's location.

6. Ask.fm: a question & answer service allowing kids to ask and answer controversial questions anonymously. This has been linked to several incidents of suicide.

7. Tinder: a photo and messaging dating app. Some kids join it just for the entertainment value, but it does open up the potential for inappropriate meetups.

8. Vine: allows the creation and posting of short looping videos and can contain mature content. This is rated 17+

9.Tumblr: another app to post things anonymously.

10. Oovoo: can access from computer or smartphone and allows them to chat with up to 12 friends or STRANGERS. Can send videos, messages, record, upload videos to YouTube and has an instant messaging feature.

11. Streetchat: formerly called Gaggle - offers free, live, anonymous photo messaging board for schools and colleges. Anyone can post whatever they want, and anyone within a two-mile radius can see it.

12.Tango: offers free video, phone calls, messaging and group chats up to 50 people. Has a history of being hacked.

13. uMentioned: posts juicy stories, dark secrets and funny moments by students on their campus.

14. Voxer: walkie talkie app that shares a user's current location.

15. WhatsApp: smartphone messaging app allowing users to create groups, send unlimited images, video & audio messages, and basic texting. Shares user's current location.

16. Whisper.sh: an iPhone app allowing users to share their "deepest, darkest secrets" anonymously through pictures & text. Content does not disappear like Snapchat and does not guarantee confidentiality.

17.Yik Yak: allows anyone to connect & share info with other users without having to know them. Can send anonymous messages within a 1.5-mile radius.

18. Burn note: messaging app that erases after a set period of time.

19. Skout: a flirting app that allows users to sign up as teens & adults. They are placed in appropriate peer groups & can post to a feed & comment on other's posts as well as add pictures and chat. The app will send notifications when other users near them join. Also sends notifications if someone "checks" them out.

20. Omegle: instant message app that allows chats with strangers. Available as an app or can use on their website.

Some others to be aware of:
4chan.org, 9Gag.com, AfterSchool, Badoo, Best Secret Folder, Burnbook, ChatRoulette.com, Creepypasta, Dropbox, FireChat, Fling, SuperFling, Gallery Lock. There are just too many to list!

It's amazing how many apps and sites there are that allow the user to be anonymous and not be held accountable for how they behave on the site. Not being held accountable welcomes bad behavior or allows material to be posted that is too mature for our kids. Worse are the sites sharing your child's location, allowing for an open invitation to cause not just emotional harm but physical harm as well.

I haven't personally checked out all of the listed sites or apps in this blog. This information was found online on various sites as well as from my daughter's high school. Some of the above information may not be correct or may have changed, so I urge you to do your own research, especially if your child is using any of the above social media apps or sites or if they are using something that you are not familiar with.

Some companies will allow parents to monitor their kid's electronics such as www.teensafe.com. While this seems like a perfect solution to keeping your child safe, there are drawbacks since you must give passcodes and important information which may open you up to identity theft or misuse of your information. The first steps you can take to protect your child is to go on their electronics and use the parent restrictions feature and adjust the settings to keep them from installing anything without your permission. Go through each app and check subfolders where they may be hiding other apps so you can't see them. You can also adjust the settings on your home router and even set specific times your child has internet access within your home. The local police said that a large percentage of the inappropriate behavior on these devices happens between 9 pm to 11 pm. Many wireless phone companies offer programs to further protect your child from apps and websites as well as allow you to monitor their texting.

I can't stress enough how important it is for you, as a parent or as a professional who works with kids, to educate yourself on a regular basis with what is out there as well as monitoring your child's electronics. Times have changed, and although the internet has made our lives easier in many ways, it has also opened up a much easier path to being severely hurt emotionally, physically and professionally. Talk with your kids about how they use their phone and devices and make sure they know what's appropriate and what's not. Let them know you are a safe place they can report inappropriate use and advise them not to allow anyone to use their phone or device on their behalf. And, if they can't use their device responsibly, be strong and take it away. You're not being "the worst parent ever!" but rather showing them how much you care and will do whatever it takes to protect them.

How To Get Rid of Solicitors and Religious Zealots

Did you naively buy a sticker that reads, NO SOLICITORS! in ominous red letters? Did you affix said sticker to your storm door and nod in smug satisfaction? Or is that just me? Nevertheless, the solicitors who troll my neighborhood either don't see the sign or interpret it as some form of reverse psychology.

"Miss, do you want to switch to AT&T?"

"No, thank you!" *Smiles sweetly

"Oh.... can I ask why not?" *Raises eyebrows and gives an exaggerated frown.

"Well, if you must know, we had AT&T and it sucked."

"Uh, well, um well it's improved since then."

Now, I'm not unfriendly. Okay, maybe I am. I used to work in sales in college. I was horrible at it. It went something like this.

"Hello, Miss, can I interest you in a pair of kitchen scissors that can cut a penny? Allow me to demonstra-"

"No."

"Okay, bye then!"

I get it. People have to make a living. Here's the thing, I spend enough of my days answering "Why not?" with my kids. I spend at least 75% of my day arguing about why we are or are not going to do something. People who want me to buy something that I can't afford and well meaning well dressed people who want me to change my religion are going to have to get in line. By default I've come up with a list of fool proof ways to send unwanted visitors for a hike. If you want to take the full Getting Solicitors off of your porch" course, just pay a fully refundable $99 -  No? Hey, it was worth a try.

1. Rescue several large dogs with intimidating barks. My friend assured me that visitors will jump backward off the front stoop in their haste to escape.

2. When the doorbell rings, drop and hide. Make sure to keep your kids away from the windows. After ringing the doorbell 12 times and knocking another 14 times, they'll get bored and go away. The downside to this method is if they see you ducking out of site or hear you telling your kids to "stay away from the windows" they might conclude that you are paranoid. On second thought, this notion might deter them from returning.

3. Passive aggressively stare st the NO SOLICITORS! sign the entire time the person is talking. If they persist, squint at the sign and say, "My contacts are giving me trouble today. Can you read that for me?"

4. When Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door and begin a monologue about all the negative influences on children today, have your cute precious blessing turn the CD player on and play Taylor Swift's Bad Blood at 850,000 decibels. This is good if rehearsed before hand. Awesome if it happens organically.

5. When Mormon Elders come to your door and ask what you know about the Church of Mormom and if you want to join, be overly friendly. Say ridiculous things like, "Is that like The Book of Mormon?" and "How can you guys be elders! You're so young!" Before they can answer, invite them in for a tequila sunrise, never mind that it is 9:00 A.M. When their mouths drop open in shock and disgust, clap your hand over your own mouth and say, "I am so sorry! How inappropriate! You guys probably aren't old enough to drink!" As they run screaming to their car, yell after them, "I'm free next Wednesday to talk more!" They won't be back. Ever. They'll pray for you.

6. When the (insert cable company here) guy comes over to ask if you've changed your mind about switching services, tell him you have given up TV altogether. Tell him you spend your evenings reading. Then ask him a lot of personal questions about his home life, his tattoos, and his favorite books.

7. When unwanted guests ask when you are free to discuss this further, say, "Next Wednesday at 4:32 AM or every third Saturday between 11:59 PM and 12;00 AM.

8. Tell them your spouse makes all of the decisions. Keep repeating, "I'll have to talk to my spouse about that." The downside to this method is they'll probably come back.

9. Launch into a detailed synopsis of your own religion/belief system and ask if they'd like to convert.

10. Say, "No, I don't need a lawn care service, but do you babysit?" with glazed eyes as your kids run behind you screaming and throwing toys at each other.

Now let me be clear: I am all about sharing faith and I completely respect others' religions. I also respect a person's right to make a living. But no means no. If you want to sell me a roof inspection or a Bible study stay home. If you want a tequila sunrise to bitch about your kids on the other hand, my door is open!