Thursday, July 23, 2015

Random Thoughts Thursday: Recent Questions and Comments of a Six Year Old Boy

"Mom, why do you sit down to pee?"
A better question might be, when will I learn to lock the bathroom door?

"Mom, why did Office Max and Wicked Good go up to Heaven?"
Referring to a store and cafe that used to be in the strip mall across from our house and have closed.

"Mom, do you know the number to Waste Management? Can't you just look it up on the internet?"
If I have a moment to sit on the computer that is the first thing I want to do.

"We need a garbage can that says our city on it! Our garbage can doesn't say our city on it! Can we get a city garbage can?! I am going to save my money for a city garbage can."
This one is every day. He counts his money every night. Some six year old boys save their money for games or toys. Mine is saving his for a garbage can.

"Mom, I have fifty dollars, so I need two more tens to get to seventy and then I can buy a garbage can. I asked God for two more ten dollars; why isn't he giving them to me yet?"
I don't know, but next time you ask Him can you also ask how my Lexus is coming along? There must be a back up in the delivery center....

"Hey Mom, did you every watch a two year old before Elliott?"
"Yes, Aiden, you were a two year old once, four years ago in fact."
"Okay, but did you ever watch a two year old before me?"
"Yes, I used to babysit two year old twins when I was in college."
"Do you think those kids who you babysat could still be LIVING TODAY?"
Apparently I'm a dinosaur and the two year old children for whom I nannied in my college days are in their nineties.

"Hey, Mom, how come every time we come to Fifth Avenue the light turns red?"
I have asked myself this question many times.

"Hey, Mom, how come we're always late for everything?"
I can think of two reasons and they're both in this car. Also, the light on Fifth Avenue.

"Mom, how many minutes late are we today?"

"Mom, is dinner ready, yet? How about now? How about now?"
No, sorry, it still hasn't learned to cook itself.

"Mom, can we have a play date on August 2nd?"
I don't even know what we're doing tomorrow.

"Mom, how come Elliott is two?"
He was born two years ago.

"Mom, how do babies get out of tummies?"
The doctor performs a magic trick.

"Mom, did you call Waste Management yet?"

"Mom, why are you sitting down?"
I am pretending to search for the number for Waste Management.

"Mom, I heard you tell Alex's mom that when you are in the car by yourself you listen to music with inappropriate words. What are the words? Tell me."
"I am not going to tell you. They are grown up words just like coffee is a grown up drink."
Funny how he can't here me when I tell him to clean up, yet this he heard this while riding his bike down the sidewalk.

"Mom, if we wanted to run in the sprinkler and we didn't have a sprinkler, what would you say?"
"I'd say, 'we don't have a sprinkler'."
"Then do you think we'd cry?"
"THEN what would you say?"
"Let's not focus on hypothetical crying."
"What's that mean?"
"Crying that isn't really happening."
"Okay, WAAH WAAH! Elliott, cry!"

"Hey Mom, guess what?"
"You're the best mom in the whole world."
Aww, and to think I was almost getting tired of answering questions. What better to hear at the end of a long day? And they said it was a thankless job....

Friday, July 17, 2015

Funny Fridays: Guys, This One's for You

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, Dear? Why are you down here  at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only sixteen?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remeber when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"You know..... I would have goten out today."


Thursday, July 16, 2015

Random Thoughts Thursday: Random Thoughts When Insomnia Strikes

The other day my friend and I were discussing the odd phenomenon of being completely, uselessly, paralytically exhausted and yet not being able to sleep. We were hoping to crack the code on why this happens, but our insomnia is still a mystery. Insomnia would actually be useful if I could get my ass out of bed and accomplish something. Is their really any greater waste of time than lying in bed from 10:30 (Oh, I'll go to bed early!) until 3:30 A.M. simultaneously wide awake and exhausted into paralysis? True story. This is my frustrating paradox. I can't sleep to save my life so I lie there with my eyes closed listening to whatever crap is on TV at that time of night (think bad reality shows meet infomercials). Yes, yes, I know having screens on triggers the brain to be awake blah blah blah. The other problem with insomnia is that it's really boring, which brings me to my next question: if I can't sleep, why don't I get up and use my quiet house to DO something? Well, I think about it, but although I can't sleep I am really tired and I think I will fall asleep ANY MINUTE. Actually, I think many random thoughts during my hours of insomnia, so hey what better topic for a Random Thoughts Thursday post? See, I am using my insomnia productively. Here are just a few thoughts I had the other night while attempting to sleep.

I am going to bed early tonight. Finally I won't be tired tomorrow. I will wake up refreshed.

I am so tired. I bet I'll fall asleep right away.

I better make sure my alarm is set, just in case Elliott decides to do something drastic like sleep past 6:00 A.M.

I can't believe I thought Vacation Bible School started at 9:30. I totally would have been on time today if it had started at 9:30. Oh well, I'll be on time tomorrow. Although, I should set realistic expectations to avoid setting myself up for failure. I'll shoot for five minutes late.

Why am I still awake? I'll turn on Mystery Diagnosis. I'm so glad we switched from Dish to Comcast. Now we get all these great channels. I'll always have something to listen to to help me fall asleep. Our security system was a down grade, but look at all of these channels! Priorities.

Wow, I have at least two of these symptoms. I wonder if I have a rare genetic blood disorder like this guy.

I really need to get those thank you cards out.

Mystery Diagnosis is over and I'm still awake. I wonder if I should use this time to write. No, I'll be tired in the morning if I don't get some sleep. I'll just lie still and I'll be asleep soon.

Teen Mom is on? I didn't even know this show was on anymore. Wow, and I though I didn't have my shit together. At least my husband and I don't fight over text messages. WTF? How can this girl's fiance afford to give her a vacation to Saint Thomas Island for her birthday? Weren't they just bitching about not being able to afford formula? What's with the priorities? It's almost like downgrading a security system in favor of more TV channels.

I am so embaressed that I just watched that show.

I am still awake, maybe I should fold the laundry.

Why am I always thinking about laundry? I think it is a medical fact that thinking about laundry exacerbates insomnia.

I wonder if Elliott is going to sleep through the night tonight. This is like Murphy's Law. He is sleeping and I can't.

Damn, it's midnight already. I wonder if anyone else is still awake. I really want to text someone. But then if they are sleeping and they have one of those obnoxious notification sounds like birds chirping, I will wake them up and then they  will probably think I am a needy weirdo for texting them at midnight to see if they are awake. Then they will want to back away from the friendship. They will make friends with the cool, put together mom at the gym and tell her about their lame, needy ex-friend. Pretty soon I will be blacklisted by all suburban moms.

My friends wouldn't do that. But still, I shouldn't wake them up.

I still haven't signed Aiden up for swim lessons and it's mid July. what kind of mom am I? Although in my defense the weather has been crappy. Maybe I should sign him up for indoor swim lessons and call it a day. Although they cost more money, and what is summer for if not outdoor swim lessons? I should check the ten day forecast and go from there.

Maybe I should use my quiet time to write. If I'm not asleep after this rerun of Supernanny I'll write.

Listen Joe Frost, this mom is doing the best she can utilizing the naughty spot! I actully think the main problem is calling it a naughty spot. That just doesn't sound right. Let's stick with time out. I don't know how it is in Britain, but around these parts "naughty spot" has a different connotation.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep. Does this ever actually work?

I am going to be tired tomorrow. Although, if I fall asleep now I could still get six hours. That's not bad. Ready set sleep!

Okay, Supernanny is over and I'm still awake. I have so many ideas for blog posts, which one should I write? I am really tired now, I bet I will fall asleep.

Five hundred channels and nothing to watch? What, people don't watch TV at 2:00 A.M. The only thing on is infomercials and Sex Sent Me To The ER. Decisions decisions.

Why would someone pay three hundred dollars for a vacuum steam mop combo?

Hmm, this vacuum steam mop combo does a lot. It even picks up pet hair.

I really need to vacuum the couch.

I am going to be tired tomorow. Actually today since it is after 3:00 A.M. Oh well, I'll just go to be early tomorrow night...

Thursday, July 9, 2015

What My Two Year Old Teaches Me

I am emerging from the summer time suck long enough to pound out a blog post (I hope). As many of you know my two-year-old broke his first metatarsal (bone above the big toe joint) on Father's Day weekend. How did he break it, you ask? I have written previously about his penchant for climbing things and his lack of fear, so you would probably guess that he jumped off of something. It would also be reasonable to guess that he was injured at the kiddie gym where we held his brother's party and where he was actually allowed to jump on a trampoline and dive into a foam pit. These would be reasonable hypothesis, but they would be wrong. He broke his toe by tripping and falling over his own two feet. Landing on his hands and knees. In the kitchen. And I was hoping he didn't inherit the klutz gene from my side of the family. This gene really does exist. If you don't believe me try going on a hike with my family.

In any case, when the injury occurred it didn't look like much, until he tried to stand up and was unable to put weight on his foot. He continued crying about the pain and saying that he wanted "toe off". I knew something was wrong since he usually brushes off injuries as soon as they occur. As I got ready to take him to urgent care (because these things NEVER happen during regular doctors' office hours) my husband said, and I quote, "I don't think you need to take him in. I mean, it's a twisted ankle. It will be fine." He gently reminded me that I tend to be a hypochondriac by proxy and I gently reminded him that I have accurately diagnosed my children with pink eye and ear infections. Off to urgent care we went. After x-rays, they immobilized the foot with a double ace wrap and told me to keep him off of it until we could see the orthopedic specialist on Monday morning. You might think this would be problematic with an active two-year-old, but the next day his toe swelled up and turned bluish; he had no desire to put weight on it. While we felt sorry for him and bemoaned the occurrence of such a random accident had to occur and what if he was in a cast all summer, Elliott adapted to the situation by crawling and scooting around the house happily playing with his trucks. I think it is pertinent to add that I did NOT say "I told you so" to my husband. At least not out loud. Meanwhile, Aiden was jealous of his brother's "cool cast" and wanted to know if he could have a turn. Honestly, kids get jealous of the weirdest things. 

Fortunately, the orthopedic specialist did not have to cast Elliott's foot, but he traded his ace bandage in for a boot that he has to wear for 3 to four weeks at all times other than bathing. She warned me that it may take him some time to want to walk on it. As predicted, for the first day he wanted to be carried or crawled everywhere. By the second day he realized he could stand on his new boot and by the end of the second day he was back to running. It sounds like we are living with a pirate in high heels. Drag....clunk drag...clunk. Aiden asked if he could wear the ace bandage on his foot since Elliott had the super cool boot (I mean, how unfair, right?) but I told him that people might start to wonder about me if I was carting around two kids with immobilized feet at the same time. 

This is our first experience with broken bones, and with two boys it probably won't be the last. I was relieved that the treatment was easier than expected, and I was also reminded that we should all think more like toddlers. I am not saying we should start throwing tantrums about having to wear a shirt (not that that happened). But Elliott never lets anything get him down. Life threw a broken bone his way and he thought, "Okay, let's see how I can work with this". Well, more likely he thought, "I want that truck and I am going to get it," and, "This heavy boot is excellent for stomping on things that get in my way. Like toes." Regardless, he didn't waste time feeling sorry for himself or letting a pesky broken bone get in his way. Often when we are out and about people will say, "Awww, what happened to his poor little foot?" as Elliott runs past them, laughing. He doesn't feel the least bit sorry for himself.Then again, maybe they just wish they had a cool boot. I know Aiden does.

As parents, we are always talking and thinking about the thing we teach our kids. After all, we are their first and best teachers. But what we may not often realize is that they can be our best teachers, too. Elliott sees the world through a completely un-jaded lens. I strive to do what comes naturally to him, to take what life throws at me, adapt to it, and run with it. But it's easy to get stuck in a rut. It's easy to feel like when it rains it pours and not be able to see the rainbow. We all struggle with this. My children constantly teach me to live today, to splash in the muddy puddles and worry about cleaning up later. They constantly teach me things I don't know for lack of paying attention. Things like: grasshoppers make cool pets, a baby bunny hopping through the yard never gets less exciting, you never know when you might be recruited for an a capella career, so practice often, and road construction can be cool. Today I am trying to be more like Elliott (again minus the tantrums and toilet aversion). When we were at the pet store this morning he caught sight of some mice running around  and around in their wheel. He stopped at the glass tank to watch, and was soon in hysterics over their antics. I suppressed the urge to tell him to come on, and squatted down to watch with him. Two mice were running their hearts out in this metal wheel while one free loader clung to the metal rungs and held on while he was spun upside down. It was pretty amusing. What was I in a hurry for anyway? On the drive back we ran into a traffic jam due to a lane being closed on a major road. A road that I had taken to avoid the construction on another major road, incidentally. I thought, "Fuck this fucking construction!" Yes, that's how I talk in my own head. Out loud I said, "Look at the dump trucks Elliott? Isn't that cool?" Elliott was way ahead of me, his eyes glued to the machines doing who knows what to the road. He made sure to say hi to all the trucks and tell them to have a nice day. Finally, when we came home for lunch I decided to sit at the table while Elliott ate his grilled cheese sandwich and chicken (because he couldn't decide on just one) and read him the book he had asked me to read instead of rushing to clean up the dishes (really, where are they going?).

Of course, I can only strive to think like a toddler. Unfortunately we adults have been jaded by life. Sometimes it takes a little person to teach us that we can take what life throws at us. And that accountants aren't medical professionals. 
Elliott rockin his groovy boot
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