Saturday, April 4, 2020

Are You Social Distancing "Correctly'?

 Apparently, some discrepancies have been floating around on social media. I know, who would've expected such a thing. Questions and even arguments (again, on social media?!) abound on the correct way to social distance. Most of us can agree on the basics. Wash your hands. Don't leave your house except for essentials. Work from home if you can. Keep six feet of distance. These are the rules. But, beyond that, how do you now if your getting an A in social distancing? Don't worry, here at Killing June Cleaver, we've got you covered. Here are the top ways you know you're social distancing correctly.

1. You're husband went to the grocery store and when he walks in you scream, "Do not set those bags down!" as you run at him with disinfecting wipes. You then yell at him to strip off his clothes. He thinks you're being suggestive. You're not. AT ALL.

2. Yesterday, you had an entire conversation with Alexa. You felt bonded to her, until you guys had a big argument this morning. You tried giving her the silent treatment, but only lasted three minutes. Now you two are back on speaking terms.

3. You saw a spider and instead of screaming and killing it, you tried to make friends with it.

4. You find yourself staring out the window for long periods of time, like a dog.

5. Speaking of dogs, your dogs have now become the main part of your social network. Fine. That was always the case.

6. You have clinked glasses and given virtual hugs over Zoom or video chat. You washed your hands afterwards.

7. You've hidden in the bathroom, the bedroom, the closet, and the garage to get a moment away.

8. Your son has developed an unhealthy, codependent, love-hate relationship with the Xbox.

9. Your kids are training for a career in WWF cage fighting.

10. You are obsessed with Tiger King. You find yourself asking your husband, "Do you think Carol fed her husband to the tigers?"

11. You saw your neighbor walking the dog on the other side of the street and you waved longingly.

12. You wonder if Target thinks you broke up with it.

13. You say some combination of the following multiple times a day: "We're stuck in this house together and we WILL make the best of it!" "Stop fighting!" "Turn off the Xbox!" "I'm throwing the Xbox outside!" "I need a minute. Can you give me a minute? ONE MINUTE!"

14. You go through phases of obsessively cleaning and throwing up your hands.

15. You're keeping up on laundry for the first time in... ever.

16. Your April calender consists of a series of X's.

17. A phone scammer called and you asked him all about his wife, his kids, his pets, and how he likes his life as a phone scammer. You wouldn't let him get off the phone. Then you realized it was a recording.

18. E learning is making you pull your hair out.

19. If you hear the words, "I'm bored" one more time you are going run out into the street... no wait... driveway screaming.

20. You've made a recording of yourself saying, "No, you can't see your friends. We're social distancing." You play it on repeat.


If you can relate to any of the above, congratulations! You're social distancing correctly, no matter what Cheryl from the internet says. Please add your own social distancing habits in the comments.


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