For today's random thoughts I will share with you some deep dark secrets and little known but very legitimate facts about the shows your kids watch. My kids of course don't watch television because we spend the entire day reading and doing Pinterest crafts. Cough cough. I can, however, share some insights through my own research.
The Man With the Yellow Hat's name is Ted. I bet you didn't know that. It could be a useful piece of trivia some day.You'll thank me the next time you are on Who Wants To Be A millionaire. Is that show even still on? I never knew he had a name. On the show Curious George and he is always called the Man With the Yellow Hat. We got the movie last week and apparently he has a name and it is Ted. I bet that's not the only thing you didn't know about kid shows. I am here to tell you what PBS won't.
The Man With Yellow Hat aka Ted abuses prescription drugs. Mostly Xanax and Valium with the occasional Oxycontin thrown in there. How do I know this? Come on, how else would he have such eternal patience for George's antics? He's cute, but that monkey is a little shit. Ted (so much shorter to type) will go out to get the paper and George will plug all the drains, leave the water running, use the couch cushion as a boat, and order a million donuts with Ted's credit card. Not that I've seen the show or anything. Ted will open his front door and be knocked over by water and donuts, only to get up, retrieve his hat, and say with a chuckle, "Well, George, what do we have here?" I don't mean to be cynical but no sober person would react that way. Unmedicated Ted would probably say something like:
"What the fuck! George, you are going to clean all this up and work in sweat lodge until you pay for these donuts! I can't even get the damn paper without my house getting wrecked!"
I guess that wouldn't be very appropriate for the kids, but you have to admit it is a more realistic reaction.
Caillou obviously has oppositional defiant disorder and his parents are clueless. I think they might abuse prescription drugs with Ted. Then again, they could be stoners. Have you seen that kitchen? Who paints their kitchen blue, green, red, and yellow? It looks like Sherman Williams threw up in there. Caillou will be whining and throwing a fit and his parents will be all like, "Maybe this cookie will help". Steller parenting. Also, why is a four year old bald and why are his only friends a cat, his Grandma, and a girl named after a piece of fruit? When it comes to Caillou I just say no, no, NO. I usually turn the TV on to stop the kids from whining, not add another whining kids to the mix.
I have to admit PAW Patrol is probably one of the more tolerable kid shows, except that damn song is permanently etched into my brain. I am just wondering if they are ever going to address the fact that Ryder is either a troubled runaway or an abandoned child. Where are that kid's parents? He lives on an island in a tower with six dogs. Of course, I guess if we can suspend reality enough to believe that dogs can talk, fly, and operate machinery Ryder's lack of supervision is a moot point. I also disagree with Ryder's favoritism. Those poor dogs stand at attention hoping to be picked for the mission. Shouldn't he include everyone to avoid self esteem issues, even if he only gives them menial jobs? I guess it brings back memories of team sports in gym class.
Don't even get me started on Sesame Street. I know, it's a classic, one I used to watch as a kid. Is it just me, or has everyone on that show just started to lose it? I guess I would too if for several decades my social circle consisted of muppets. We have the walking eating disorder, the closeted gay couple, the Count with an untreated case of OCD, and a giant bird. Let's not forget Elmo with his identity crisis. He is always referring to himself in the third person. Maybe he is a mom?
Thomas the Tank Engine is a snooty cheeky fellow. Also, can we say teachers's pet? Again with the favoritism, Sir Tophom Hat. Do you think Sir Tophom Hat has a real name, too? I think it's Edgar. Why is Thomas the most useful engine? Engines are all useful in their own special way. What's that you say? I should resolve my childhood issues? Hey, writing is cheaper than therapy.
I love the Berstain Bears. The books more so than the shows. My dad used to buy me a new book for every perfect spelling test and now they have been passed on to my sons. That being said,I feel like Mama and Papa have a really weird marriage. Mama is always treating him like one of the kids and he is always portrayed as a buffoon. No wonder he hides in his wood shop. I bet he has dirty magazines and a keg in there. Again, with the names. Who names their kids Brother and Sister? By the way, before Sister was born Brother's name was Small Bear. I bet you didn't know that either. Why would they go through all of that hassle to change his birth certificate? Man, I need a life.
I always laughed at the story in which Mama bans television for a week for everyone, including Papa. Yeah, if I tried to ban my husband from watching TV for a week he would immediately turn on a game. Once he was done laughing. If I tried to ban television from my kids for a week I would really just be punishing myself. Sometimes that half hour a day is really precious. Fine, hour. Hey, if I banned television entirely I wouldn't be able to give you this comprehensive, educated, and very relevant review of kid shows and unknown facts. Your welcome.
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