Random Thoughts Thursday: Mom In Translation

We moms say a lot of things to our children on a daily basis, much of it automatic. Children are little parrots and I often hear my own words coming out of my children's mouths. Just this morning my two year old was crying in the car and his brother said in his best grown up voice, "I am not very pleased with your behavior this morning," which was a direct quote of what I had said to him a half hour earlier when he was refusing to get ready. Then again, not everything I say can be interpreted literally. For the sake of future therapy sessions I don't say all of what goes through my head, or rather I say an edited version of it. Simply put, I have a filter. Here is a list of some common things I say and what they really mean. Add your own.

When I say: "I'll be right back."
I mean: "I am going to hide in the bathroom/ pretend to put laundry away. Please do not follow me."

When I say: "I don't know."
I mean: "It is 6:00 P.M., it has been ten hours since I spoke to an adult, and my brain has turned into split pea soup. Stop asking me questions."

When I say: "You really need sleep. Stay in bed and lay quietly."
I mean: "I really need to watch Modern Family, drink a beer, eat dinner, and be reacquainted with Daddy without having to get off the couch every 1.3 minutes."

When I say: "What's wrong/what happened/why are you crying?"
I mean: "For the love of all things holy, what the ever loving hell could actually be wrong now?"

When I say: "Please stop doing that!"
I mean: "Stop. Doing. That. Or Else."

When I say: "Are you tired?"
I mean: "You are acting like a bipolar dictator on steroids. Does this mean that you will go to sleep early, allowing me to watch Modern Family and reconnect with Daddy? And wake up a regular little boy again?"

When I say: "Mmmm hmmm."
I mean: "Not listening."

When I say:"Shhhh."
I mean: "My head is about to explode."

When I say: "What would you like to do today?"
I mean: "Can we please please oh please do something other than play the same game we have played all day for the last 872 days? Not that I don't love that game..."

When I say: "I am starting to lose my patience."
I mean: "This is the last chance you have to alter your behavior before you need the help of an exorcist."

When I say: "That is out of batteries."
I mean: "That annoying, insanity sucking piece of shit has been lobotomized. I will put batteries back in it once I lose my hearing,"

"When I say: "We'll see."
I mean: "Never gonna happen."

When I say: "I love you."
I mean: "You are my entire world, all of my dreams come true, and worth every tantrum, tear, and sleepless night.

Now, I don't want to leave my husband out, since I also have some things I say to him that might mean something a little different. For example:

When I say: "Busy day at work today?"
I mean: "You are home late again. Your boss must hate children and also women. That asshole."

When I say: "Do you want to give the kids a bath tonight?"
I mean: "There is only one answer to this question."

When I say: "I am tired."
I mean: "Sorry, not gonna happen tonight. Okay, fine, but my participation will be minimal."

When I say: "How's the game?"
I mean: "I don't give a shit about the people throwing a ball around on the TV. On a totally unrelated note, want to help me organize the basement today?"

When I say: "Mind watching the kids while I run to Target?"
I mean: "Grocery shopping sounds like a Caribbean Cruise right about now."

When I say: "What are you working on?"
I mean: "I wish I could limit your screen time. I am just thinking of your health. I once read somewhere that laptop radiation can cause cancer. Or impotence."

When I say: "Should we see if the babysitter is free this weekend?"
I mean: "Please get me out of here at all costs. But first we have to ask a teenage girl if we can go out to dinner. A very invaluable teenage girl."

When I say: "I'll be right back."
I mean; "I am going to hide in the bathroom/pretend to put laundry away. Do not follow me. Also, if the kids ask where I am tell them someplace far away."

When I say: "I love you."
I mean; "Thanks for being my partner and friend through it all. And for putting up with me."